“Yeah. I made a cash offer on a place yesterday. It’s ten minutes away from Jonas’ place.”
Kat’s face contorts. “I just can’t believe you didn’t mention that to me—especially after how many times I’ve said the long distance thing is killing me or I wish we lived in the same city.”
“I’m sorry. I was just... ” I don’t finish my sentence. There’s really no adequate way to explain why I didn’t tell her. I’m suddenly realizing I’m a complete idiot.
She sniffles. “I get it. Sarah told me to listen to your actions and not your words. Well, I guess I just heard you loud and clear. From here on out, I’ll expect nothing from you. We’ll continue to havefunwith no expectations and no promise of a future. We can date other people, whatever. We’ll start from scratch. Get to know each other outside all the excitement and fantasy.”
“You wanna date other people?” I blurt, my heart exploding with panic.
“No,” she says quickly. “Not at all. I don’t want anyone but you.” Tears flood her eyes. “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.”
“Well, I don’t want anyone but you, either,” I say. I clutch her to me, relief flooding me. If she’d said she wanted anyone but me, I would have lost my shit. “Kat, we both feel exactly the same way.” I kiss her temple. “Please don’t read into me not telling you. It doesn’t mean anything—we feel the same way.”
“I don’t think we do, Josh. I don’t think you realize how much... ” Her words catch in her throat. Tears spill out of her eyes. “If I’d bought a house in L.A.,” she says, “I would have beenthrilledto tell you about it. I would have talked your ear off about it.”
“Kat,” I choke out. “You’re breaking my heart. I feel the way you do. I’m just not good at... saying certain things. I’m not good atcommitting to certain things. But that doesn’t mean I don’tfeel.Please, Kat. I just need time, that’s all.”
Kat wipes her eyes again. “I get it. Take as much time as you need. You’re not ready for a commitment of any kind. Good for me to know—better I learned it now than later.” She wipes her eyes and sets her jaw. “Obviously, I can’t take you home to meet my family tomorrow. I’m sure you understand.”
“No, I don’t understand. I really wanna meet your family—I’mdyingto meet your family.”
“I’m sorry. It’s not possible—not when my heart is on the line like this.”
A little voice inside my head is screaming at me to tell her my heart is on the line, too, but the words don’t come. I swallow hard, forcing down the lump in my throat again.
There’s an awkward silence.
Her eyes are glistening with obvious hurt.
“Kat,” I finally say. “Maybe I should have mentioned it. I just... Please believe me—you’re my fantasy sprung to life.”
Her jaw tightens. “Yeah, I’m the fantasy you don’t want ‘tainting’ your real life when you move back home.”
Shit. That was a not-so-subtle reference to my application to The Club, wasn’t it? Yeah, it was.Because I don’t want this shit to taint my real life,I wrote in my application. Oh, God, this is a complete disaster.
“Kat, no,” I say. “You’re not a Mickey Mouse Rollercoaster. Now you’re just being crazy. Please don’t do this. You’re spinning out of control.”
“I’m not doing anything but agreeing with you. From here on out, we’re gonna do things Josh-Faraday-style. The future doesn’t exist. There are no expectations, no commitments. All we have is right now.YOLO.” Her lip is trembling. “If I wanna stay, I’ll stay. If I wanna go, I’ll go. There’ll be nothing to keep us tied to each other but however the wind blows on any given day.Just the way you like it.”
40
JOSH
Iflip on the TV in my hotel room and quickly turn it off again.
What’s wrong with me? Am I reallythisfucked up?
I told Emma the magic words, didn’t I? Which means I’m capable of saying them. But Emma gave me a lot more time than this—ten times more time than this.
But what am I thinking? There’s no comparison between Kat and Emma. I never felt this white-hot passion with Emma—thiselectricity. How the hell does Kat expect me not to fuck up when I constantly feel like I’m gripping a goddamned electric fence around her?
I get up and look out the window of my hotel room, a glass of Jack Daniels from the mini-bar in my hand. I’ve got a perfect view of the Space Needle from my room. It’s lit up like a Roman candle at night.
I could have stayed at Jonas’ house tonight, of course, but I was too embarrassed not to be staying with Kat to ask him. Plus, Jonas looked so happy tonight, I didn’t have the heart to bring him down with my pathetic sob story. Jonas is the one who’s supposed to cry like a big fat baby tome—our relationship doesn’t work the other way around.
“Let’s take a break for a couple days—see how we’re feeling then,” Kat said when I walked her to her door earlier tonight. “Maybe I’ll realize I’m overreacting; maybe not. I’m just too hurt to think straight right now. I think I need some time to regroup and figure out what I’m feeling.”
I take a swig of my whiskey, shaking my head. How did things go so wrong? I was on top of the world when I picked Kat up tonight.I couldn’t wait to see her—the same way I always feel when I’m away from her. I couldn’t wait to take her to the fish market tomorrow morning to sing the “Fish Heads” song with her like a couple of dorks. And I was losing my mind about meeting her family tomorrow night, too. And, most of all, I was chomping at the bit to fuck her on her Hello Kitty sheets.
