My jacket came off next. Then my cardigan.
Hoots and whistles filled the room, but I didn’t pay them any mind. I was hot. Sticky. And I didn't think it had to do with the temperature of the room at all.
Everything had gone down wrong. With Grace, with my sister, witheverything.
I felt myself start to sweat, and I yanked my sweater down myarms next, leaving me in just a camisole and my slacks. The hollers got louder, and my hands started to move again.
I’m not sure what there was even left to take off without leaving me naked, but before I could find out, large warm hands seared into my wrists, pulling me out of my spiral and directly into brown, brown eyes.
“Hey,” Harper’s gaze hooked onto mine and reeled me out of my tornado spiral. His voice was just as grounding as he gently asked, “Where’s the fire, Boss?”
Whatever had ignited in me suddenly felt tamed looking into his eyes. Still burning but less out of control. I turned my palms onto his skin and held tight to his stable forearms, siphoning some of his steadiness for myself.
“Can I vent for a second?” I asked, surprised when I addressed the entire room, not just the man in front of me.
Cheers of encouragement lifted throughout the tattoo shop as they all encouraged my insanity.
Giving Harper’s arms another squeeze I detached from him and started pacing, my frustration directed into every step I took across the tiled floors. “I have been catering to my family since the day I was born. If they’re sick, I’m there. If they need to talk, I’m there. Even when they’re being mean, you know who’s there? Me! I do what they tell me to. I don’t cause a fuss. I don’t get into trouble. Sé lista, sé buena, sé amable. That’s what our mom tells us. Be smart, good, and kind.”
Memories of Amá brushing my hair and telling me how to be a good girl invaded my mind. I’d always taken those lessons to heart thinking she was giving the same wise words to my siblings, but was she? It sure didn’t seem like it, not as literally as me at least.
“I’ve always been the nice one. Even when I didn’t want to be. But you know what? No one listens to good and kind. I’ve been being good and kind all my life and you know where it’s getting me? Stepped on. My brother won’t give me the time of day, mysister keeps condescending me, and this terrible hoe at work thinks it’s fun to use me as her verbal trash can just because I’m too worried about being smart and good and freaking kind to fight back! And now, on top of being the familypunk, I’m disappointing everyone because they expect one thing from me that I never wanted for myself in the first place!”
My pacing slowed, my eyes dropping to my feet. Even my shoes were non-offending. Sensible little flats that didn’t click decisively like Melissa’s or Grace’s when they approached a room.
I sighed, my shoulders feeling a million pounds. “I’m stuck in a box and I don’t know how to get out.”
“Wow,” Jules said. “That went from badass to sad real quick.”
“Yo, she saidhoe,” Ryan marveled. “Did anyone else hear that?”
“Hey, speak Spanish again. That was cool!” Lana clapped.
“Hey, shut up for a second, would you?” I looked up at the sound of that voice. The one I was now realizing I’d been waiting to hear all along. I turned to him. He was leaning against the front counter with his arms and legs folded. Despite his casual stance, he was staring at me hard. And vindication shot through me when I saw he looked just as mad as I felt. “What exactly is the problem, Alta?Specifically.”
Alta. No boss, or princess, Just Alta.
“They don’t respect my ambitions. They don’t even acknowledge them. But they expect me to respect their time like it’s gold while mine is just paper,” I said, my voice so soft. Defeated.
If I was expecting any sort of response from Harper, I can say with confidence it didn’t include him walking away in a brisk harumph. We all watched after him in confusion as he disappeared into the back without so much of a word.
I tried not to feel hurt by the dismissal. I wasn’t supposed to care what Gus Harper thought of me. But the wild truth was, I did. I think I always had, from the very first moment.
My eyes fell to the ground, my hands balling into the extra fabric of my pants. Air felt thick in my throat as I tried to keep calm; keep from being disappointed in his rejection. Yet, the stinging in my eyes was almost inevitable.
What had I expected? That because we’d kissed he would all of a sudden see me in a different light?
You lost or something?
The words never seemed to fully leave my mind, always on the outskirts ready to remind me that no matter how much his opinion of me seemed to have changed, he was just like everyone else.
He thought I was weak just like everyone else.
Sudden pressure under my chin broke me out of my thoughts and a second later I was being overcome with those eyes again. When he saw mine, taking in my regression with a deft gaze, he glared.
“Don’t cry,” he ordered. “We aren’t crying right now. Listen.”
I blinked, nodding quickly.
