When she looked up at me again, she smiled bigger. “Thank you.”
“Sure.”
Right. Right. She was just so fucking right. What was I doing with this girl? Why was I so scared to just accept what she was offering me and be happy?
Her eyebrows raised, her face lifting in the slightest bit of hopefulness as she noticed me staring at her like a maniac. “Do you want to talk now?”
I felt my stomach curl. She was so eager, her feet even carried her a step closer to me in her excitement, and I remembered why I was so hesitant in the first place.
All the things I wasn’t ready for.
I stepped away from her, a motion I could tell hurt her from the drop in her expression. But I wasn’t quite where she was on this. She’d always been way stronger than she thought herself to be. It took strength to face your issues head on. Successful or unsuccessful, she’d always had the courage. Me on the other hand, I didn’t possess that courage. When it really mattered, my courage cowered, nowhere to be seen and leaving my only choice as cowering with it.
The same thing I was doing now as big, sad eyes watched in obvious agony while I stepped away from her. “I… I’m not ready to talk yet. Not about that.”
She swallowed. I knew because I could hear it, the sound loud as it moved roughly through her throat. Her eyes moved over my face surveying me, slow and deliberate as she took in my expression. Softly, and not for the first time, she said, “I’m sorry.”
“I know, Alta,” I sighed. Because I did know. She knew how to apologize, this girl, and when she did something wrong, she felt it. I could tell it was eating her up inside and I didn’t want her to think I was holding anything over her head. “I just need time, okay? Everything is so jumbled up in my head and I just need to wrap my mind around some things.”
“What things?”
I paused. I wanted to tell her. Mad or not, confused or not, she’d become the person I told things to. But it felt wrong to use her in this way when we were in this weirdwhateverwe were stuck in.
She noticed, and her expression grew more determined. “Whatthings, Harper? You can talk to me about whatever you want. I won’t pressure you to say more.”
I sighed. I forgot how safe she made me feel. “My parents aren’t leaving until this new deal is wrapped up.”
“Sorry.” She bit her lip worriedly and I’m not going to lie, it felt good to tell her things, even if it was just a few sentences. “Do you want me to get Ox to put them up somewhere else?”
“No, no,” I said quickly. “It was my idea, and I’m not blaming you, that’s not what I meant it’s just—it’s weird you know. Strange.”
“Strange, nice?” she asked, eyeing me from under her eyelashes.
I shrugged. “Strange, nostalgic in a way. It’s not as horrible as I thought it’d be, I guess.”
She made a noncommittal noise, careful not to lean one way or another. I peeked at her, wondering what she actually thought about it. What she thought about me and my indecision lately. “Is that bad?”
“No, Harper, it’s not.” Her soft expression touched mine, and she went on. “The heart is a funny thing, you know? It bends and it breaks and it’s sewn back together to look like new but it’s never really the same each time. Kind of like that picture you drew.”
I blinked at her, surprised that she remembered that picture from months ago and she took another step closer. This time I didn’t move away. “If I’ve learned anything in the past few months it’s that while our past shapes us and our future moves us, sometimes it’s fear of a future looking too much like a bad past that can paralyze us. No one ever wants to repeat their mistakes, Harper. But the truth is, we can’t change the past and we don’t know the future, so we have to live in the right now. We have to trust that our decisions now will set us up for a future we’ll want when it finally rolls around.”
“How do we do that?” I asked, voice cracking.
“By doing what feels right, and trusting yourself, Harper.” She smiled sadly. “That’s all we can do.”
I lost track of how long I stared at her. I was fighting that urge again. The urge to wrap her up and never ever let go. She was the kind of thing you were supposed toneverlet go.
But the urge kept fighting back with me, asking me grating questions like what if she changes her mind and leaves too?
“Okay,” I said finally. Call me a hypocrite for wanting to stop her from leaving. For wanting to reach my hand out and keep her with me, even now.
But that wasn’t fair. If I wasn’t ready to give her all she wanted, I shouldn’t take advantage of what she was willing to give either. So I let her move away. Pointing to the sweatshirt in her hands.
“Put that on before you catch pneumonia again,” I ordered.
“Yes, sir,”she smirked before slipping her head through the hole and letting the too big shirt swallow her up. When she popped her head out the other side, she noticed me looking at her and smiled.
“Te amo,” she added, and the unknown words sent a prickle down my neck. She’d been saying them often. Eyeing me suspiciously every time they left her mouth. And I had a suspicion…but no. I wouldn’t assume.
