Chapter Thirty-Six
ALTA
The world was quieter without Harper. Quieter and a whole lot less colorful.
The minutes following Harper’s departure, my heartbeat felt so slow. I think it was trying to go back in time. I hated everything about the last ten minutes—heck, the last ten hours had been an absolute sinkhole. But really, I wished I could scrub away any form of hurt or confusion or doubt I’d given him.
He was mad at me. I’d only ever experienced Harper being mad around me, madforme, but never mad at me. It made me feel dirty. Unworthy. Not deserving of him. It made me want to peel my skin off and grow a whole new layer. I hated it.
But what I hated more, was the ideaof Harper suffering when I could have done something about it. And even though the end result was an altercation that left my mind somewhere between comatose and freaking out, I knew I would have done it again. If it was for him, I’d do it a million times.
I’d show him however many times it took for him to understand that I would be here for him. That I wasn’t going anywhere.
He said he needed time. I could do that, I could give him time, but I would not give him up.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
ALTA
Time looked like texting him good morning when I woke up and goodnight before I went to bed. It looked a lot like showing up at the tattoo shop with coffee or lunch or running him dinner and leaving it at his front door to find.
Time looked like calling when I knew he’d be busy, just so I could leave a long voicemail and feel like I was talking to him. Time was drawing him another picture, this time the bear had a friend. A little frog that he let ride on top of his head and covered his eyes while he led him blind into mischief. It was titled ‘me and you’.
Time looked a lot like having the patience to let someone heal when you hurt them but letting themknow that you would still be there if they needed you. Time was simultaneously the simplest and most taxing thing to give.
Time didn’t make any promises. It didn’t say thank you to coffee, and sometimes it forgot to text back until hours later. It didn’t say that it forgave you or even promised that this was all going to work out in the end.
Time just kept ticking. Day after day. A week and then longer. Time was by far the hardest test of strength I’d ever had.
But I just kept showing up for him. Giving to him as he’d selflessly given to me. Even if it hurt. Because I had to. Because I always would.
Because Harper was the easiest thing I’d ever had to be strong for.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
AUGUSTUS
Frigid.
That’s the only way I could describe the short days of December that seemed to both pass in a blink and drag on forever. It had little to do with the icy weather and a lot to do with the state of my life right now.
My parents were staying with me. It had only been a week, and the deal was still being reconsidered by Fernandez, but the fragile ecosystem we were keeping with them in my space and my emotions all over the place made each day feel like a year.Every time I looked at them, I felt this overwhelming sense of something pressing on my heart showing me howthings could have been if I’d held on a little tighter back then. Like Alta had held onto me in that office.
Just the day before, Dad had wandered into my office, openly inspecting my work. When I noticed the light on, I stopped in the doorway.
“I remember her telling me how well you drew, but I never thought much more could come of it...” he trailed off, the look in his eye polite and appreciative. I knew he wasn’t into this kind of stuff, but it felt good to have him pay attention to it anyway.
I shrugged as I leaned against the doorjamb, crossing my arms and watching him closely. “I’m a right brain, Mar knew that. She knew me best.”
“Is that why you chose this?” he asked. “For her?”
I nodded slowly. “And because I love it. If I can do something that keeps her present in my life while also loving it, then I think that’s a win, don’t you?”
“Yeah.” He nodded. “I do.”
I grinned, noticing the way he eyed my bare arms overtop his glasses. “And it’s pretty badass too.”
Huffing a laugh he shook his head quietly, his eyes wandering back to the spare machine parts in the corner. “Well, I see your ‘bad ass’is still experimenting. But I hope you’re not using these on people. Those wires look dangerous.”
