Curling away from his wrath, I murmured, “Not yet I don’t.”
In a flash, his face changed. I’d seen exasperated Ox and tired Ox and even angry Ox. But I think this is the first time I was seeing my brother totally at his wit’s end. Anger, disappointment, and bewilderment bursting from every seam, with no attempts at squelching it. And it turned my chest inside out.
“What is going on with you lately?” Ox asked.
“With me?” I asked back, confused.
“Yes, Alta,with you,” he said. “You haven’t been acting like yourself at all, and before we were content to let it play out because it wasn’t jeopardizing things. But now you’re acting rashly and out of character and it’s coming back on the business, so it’s time to get this figured out. It’s entirely too late for you to be going through a rebellious stage.”
I felt my face wrinkle, a prickly feeling crawling up my spine. “Why are you talking like you guys have been discussing me?”
He frowned. “Because we have. Often. In detail.”
“What?” My voice pitched high. “What have you been saying?”
“Were you not here two seconds ago?” he grumbled. “We’re all wondering when you’re going to go back to being yourself.”
“All of you?” I asked, my gaze shooting around the room.
“It’s not exactly as he says, mija,” Ama said, suddenly at my side. “Your brother is too harsh. But we just worry about you. You are changing and that scares us.”
“What?” My voice softened, weakened. The word tumbling out in a dejected drop. Around the room no one said anything to oppose either my mom or my brother and it bothered me. I caught my little sister’s eye–my firecracker of a sister who literallylivedto cause trouble, and asked, “You too?”
She winced at my expression. “Ox is being a baby, but yeah, Al. I’m a little worried, I guess.”
My stomach twisted with disappointment at each new pair of eyes I caught. Indignation slicked its way under my skin as I realized they were all agreeing against me. Takingmylife intotheirhandsagain.
My eyes found another pair of brown ones that I knew damn well. Melissa stared back at me steadily, her arms crossed around herself, her face unreadable as she watched me back. “And you, Lis?”
She stared at me. Her eyes boring into my own with crazy focus,saying something without saying it out loud. Being the first one in the room to disagree with a simple shrug.
She was telling me not to be scared. Not to worry and to go for it. She was telling me to try.
Right then, I felt the threshold of something under my feet. A bridge between who I was and who I wanted to be. A clear line separating who I’ve always been for myself and who I allowed myself to be for other people. These people.
I had choices. I could either get on my knees and beg for my family’s forgiveness, resigning myself to being what they expect me to be for the rest of time…. Or I could just be truthful. Because they were the people I was supposed to be comfortable being truthful with, after all.
Looking around the room, I took a long centering breath… Before I totally exploded. “Are you guys kidding me right now?”
“Um no?” Mátti said super unhelpfully, as per usual.
“That was rhetorical,” I snapped. “Because you guysmustbe kidding!”
Confused faces found each other as they looked around at themselves for an explanation. And there was the problem, right there. They were looking toeach otherto find answers about me when I was the only one with those answers.
“You say I’ve been acting out of character, and that’s wrong. It’s so wrong. I’ve been acting more in character these past few months than I have for my entire life, and you all are acting like I’m sacrificing babies or something.”
Now I was the one pacing. Turning swiftly on them, I pointed an accusing finger at no one in particular.
“Do you know I’ve never liked being the greeter at parties? You guys just assume since I’m nice to everyone that I mustlikeeveryone, but I don’t. Half the time I want to smack our tíos and tías for calling me a ‘good girl’ like I'm twelve or something.” I said… and you know what, it felt good to let that out. Small as it might be, I had been holding onto that grievance for years.
I kept going.
“And Ihatecoming into your little meetings just to be the yes man you think I am for all these executive assholes. Half of their bullshit I don’t agree with and the other half a sixth grader could have scrounged up.”
Wide eyes followed me as I moved across the floor, expecting me to eventually calm down. But with every word I spoke, I felt more fired up.
“I hate when you guys bring me into your crap because you expect me to play peacemaker, because sometimes I just want to slap all of you! And I hate that Ama and Apa always expect me to be the first one to forgive you guys when you’re the assholes!” Someone gasped at my language.
