“I get that now. But I can’t help but be mad at you,” she said. “And I know it’s unfair but I am.”
I hummed. That’s all I did. A grunt at best, but she whirled on me. Eyes fully back to normal, all fire and sunset and golden hues of light.
“You could have said something then, the last time. You went and kissed me, and you acted like you wanted me and we did that on the beach, but you nevertold me,Connor. You justleft.” She looked like she was still trying to wrap her head around it.
“Just when I finally thought I might be turning onto the same page as you, you flip to the other side. Everything happened so fast, and I was trying to catch up and then you were gone. And I’ve never been more fucking miserable and scared in my life. Like I was missing an entire half of myself because you were gone.”
“Yeah?”
“Yes.”
I scoffed, “Okay.”
She popped a hip out, her hands falling to them. “You don’t believe me?”
I shrugged, and she nodded.
“Okay. Well, I’ve been making dinner all by myself and you know what?It sucks. I’m a terrible cook.”
I laughed. I already knew that.
“But now I can make that chicken you like.” She shrugged, adding with a mumble. My eyes flared as they snapped to her. She kept going, not even giving me a chance to land on that. “I’ve also been watching our shows on rerun and they’re not as funny without you… Plus I can't watch any new episodes without you, so now the recorder’s full.”
She’s been waiting for me to watch our shows? My heart ached, but I still shook my head.
“I had my stupid period and ate a burger and fries just to spite you,” she said, sounding really mad. “I threw up, you asshole.”
I tried to tell her, but whatever.
She held her jaw tight for a few long seconds before she blew out a heavy breath. Her voice shook on her next words, and I could tell she wasn't really looking at me anymore by the way her eyes glassed over. “I had to take Lila to the vet all by myself.”
My skin prickled. I tried to keep my hard demeanor but found it slipping at that sound. “Oh yeah?”
“Yeah.” She nodded, and I don’t think I was imagining the sniffle she took. “She got sick and was throwing up everywhere and when we got there they said I couldn’t go back with her. I really wanted to call you, but I was scared you’d tell me you didn’t love me anymore. So, I waited there alone.”
I paused, momentarily feeling guilty but letting it seep out in a long sigh. I hated that in leaving for my own reasons, it meant I couldn’t be there for her in times like that. But there was nothing I could do about that now. “I’m sorry you had to do that, Cee.”
She wasn't really listening, though.
“And I went to Ox for help with the shelter because that’s what I always do, but I wanted to go to you,” she said, her voice tampering down to a watery whisper. “His opinion was fine, but I wanted yours. I always want yours.”
I swallowed. If there was one thing I felt bad about it was leaving her when she needed me the most. I enjoyed putting her first. I liked knowing that she was taken care of, but when she really needed me to put her over my selfish need to be loved the same way I loved, I’d disappeared. I’d hurt her and that wasn't the kind of love I strived for. The kind that got even or only gave what was given in return. My base instinct wanted to give her everything. All of me. And I’d let the fact that she hadn’t been ready to accept it yetget in the way of our trajectory. Even though I was right to take a step away and allow myself time to heal from what felt like heartbreak, I was wrong in the way I’d done it. I recognized that, and I was sorry for it.
A bell rang from one of our phones, maybe both. It was louder than I thought it would be, and it sounded like it echoed through the still of the night air in the garden. Wind blew, rustling the tall greenery around us, and we stared at each other. That same gold on that same brown. Here in the same spot for the millionth time—hearts intertwined yet still a beat apart. Yet, something was different. Something was new in the air between us.
I could see the notches on her throat work as she swallowed. Her eyes blazing into mine became a little wet again, and she damn near whispered, her voice got so hoarse. “It was so dark here without you, Con. There’s no sun when you’re gone. You’re my everything and my everything that matters. My entire fucking heart, and I don’t know if you’ve heard, but you can’t live without your heart, Connor.”
Silence.
The bell had stopped ringing and Ceci wasn’t saying anything else, just breathing, and my mind was racing along with my heart at the reverence of her words. I wanted to kiss her right then. But I also wanted to strangle her.
Unaware of my disposition, she leaned over and picked up her phone. I watched as she reset the timer on the little bell and then walked over to me and handed me the device. I looked at it, before flicking eyes back at her.
“My turn?” I asked, and she took another step closer, holding the phone out further as she nodded.
I shook my head, “Put that away.”
“What?”
