I can’t hold back. The sounds of my pleasure ring from the rafters. I sincerely hope we’re alone, because if not, this exhilarating moment I wouldn’t trade for anything will become the most humiliating moment of my life.
Tovian’s growl echoes in my ears. I can feel us pulsing frantically, the throb of his blood and mine, commingled. Carefully, he withdraws. I wince.
“Got carried away,” he says a bit sheepishly.
I kiss him to tell him it’s okay. So did I. Words are still beyond me.
He exhales and lets my feet touch the floor. I find my breath.
“If I weren’t already pregnant, Tovi, I definitely would be after that.”
Laughing, he touches his forehead to mine and says, “We’d better get dressed.
#
Later, after we’ve made it to my bedroom—now our bedroom, at least until we move into the guest wing, which will become our private suite—Tovian says, “We still have to close things out with Lorcan.”
“Really? Do we have to?” I groan, though I know he’s right. Lorcan left an apology gift. A wedding gift, technically, for all that it’s a bit ridiculous. We need to acknowledge it. Otherwise, he might show up at the wedding thinking all is forgiven.
It’s not.
Not by a long shot.
At this point, I think Tovian is more open to reconciling with Lorcan than I am. He’s had months to get used to the fact that Lorcan has been sleeping with gods-know how many women. He never knew the Lorcan from before, the one so dedicated to Zosia that even when she despised him, he wouldn’t look at another woman.
But I’m a long way from being able to look my old friend in the eye, forget welcoming him back into my life. In any capacity.
“Why do you think he’s avoiding the castle?” I asked Tovian. My own question surprises me. It doesn’t surprise my boyfriend.
“He’s afraid.”
“Lorcan isn’t afraid of anything—” I bite off the sentence. That’s what we’ve all thought, isn’t it? And we were wrong. “What do you mean, afraid?”
It’s so weird to think that Tovian knows my oldest friend better than I do, now. After months of traveling and fighting together, though, it’s true. He’s seen this new version of Lorcan, whereas I’ve been clinging to our shared past. I was willfully blind. I’m not anymore.
I’m just plain sad. Grieving for my old friend. Aware, now that it’s too late to change it, that we expected too much of him after his injury. Unsure how to help him, while knowing with perfect clarity that this is something he’s going to have to figure out on his own.
No wonder Lorcan seems so alone. He might be the Hero of Auralia, but he’s isolated and dealing with his hurt in the most destructive way imaginable.
Until he decides to stop, there’s nothing I can do for him.
I pick up the phone and type quickly. There’s no guarantee it’ll even get through to him. A twinge in my heart tells me I do still care about my old friend. It’s hard to see him suffering. It’s harder to watch him wallow in anger and failure instead of getting his ass in gear to go fix it.
So, I’ll give him a swift kick in the rear to do what he should’ve done months ago.
Thank you for the gift. Don’t come back here again unless it’s with Zosia. We care about you, but you’re not welcome here until you do.
I hold the phone out to Tovian. He nods.
“It’s good. Firm and fair.”
Firm and fair. Two things I’ll need to be, as a mother and as a queen. I hit send. It doesn’t bounce back.
I don’t think about Lorcan again for a long, long time.
May
Chapter 31
