“I know. I think I do, anyway.” I sucked in a breath and ducked under the water. Putting distance between us. When I popped up a few feet away, Lorcan was watching me. “The first day you were assigned to be my guard. I was furious. You came into my room while I was packing to leave for Royals University.” I smile at the memory. “My wardrobe was open. The only things left inside were the white gowns I was obligated to wear—before I had a choice about it. I wanted nothing more than to leave them all behind.”
“‘See something you like?’” Lorcan smirked. “I remember. That was the day I swore to myself I was going to marry you in a white dress.”
“I thought that happened when you were ten,” I teased, splashing him.
“True. But that was the day I felt it within my reach.”
He lunged at me. I shrieked when he caught me around the waist, my cry bouncing off the rock as he carried me back to the side of the pool.
“That was also the day I swore an oath not to touch you,” he said, quietly.
“To a dead king. I still don’t understand why you held to it this summer.” Actually, I think I do, but I want to hear it from him.
“It was the only leverage I had to get you to say yes. I want this life with you, Zosia.” He curls one arm around me and speaks softly against my ear. “I meant it when I said I didn’t want to be on the outside looking in. I’ve had that for years.” Pulling back, he adds, “Of course, that’s where I went wrong. Trying to coerce you into marriage.”
“You’re not the only one who got things wrong this summer.” I smoothed his hair away from his forehead and traced the line of his scar. “I had this…idea. Not a very good one, I admit. Terrible, if I’m being honest. I briefly thought about getting pregnant—”
Lorcan’s arm tightened around me. “Oh gods, yes, Zosia. I love that idea. I’ve envied Tovian and Raina so much.” He exhaled into the crook of my neck. “To have the whole world know I was the one who made you round and happy like that—” His cock bumped my stomach.
I have to tell him; there’s no way for us to move forward honestly if I don’t. I took his face between my palms.
“I wasn’t going to tell you. It was a purely selfish motivation. I was so tired of always feeling alone. I wanted someone for myself. Like Sethi, but a family member I can acknowledge publicly.”
He went very still beneath my hands. For a moment, I don’t think he breathed. “Did you think I wouldn’t figure it out?”
“That was what gave me pause. I couldn’t think of a way to conceal it from you, and to do so felt wrong. But then you kept turning me down for sex. It was maddening. By the time we were in Oceanside I realized that I wanted to keep a part of you for myself and the only way to do it was to marry you.”
“The real reason she said yes,” he laughed lightly, but there’s hurt behind his joking.
“There’s more, Lorcan.” I wriggle out of his grasp and swim away, needing the distance. I don’t know how he’ll react to this. “Before this summer, I never entertained the idea of having a baby at all. I wouldn’t have chosen to be a princess. Being put on a pedestal, always watched, never free to be myself. I don’t know if I’ll ever want to do that to a little girl.”
He took it better than he did my first confession. “I’d still choose to spend this life with you, Zosia. Even if you decide to let Auralia’s line end with you.”
Then I was crying again, but not noticeably, thanks to the water and the dim light. I ducked under the water again to get control over my emotions. When I popped up, he was right beside me.
“Zosia,” he whispered against my ear. “Let’s go home.”
CHAPTERTHIRTY-ONE
Our return to the castle went unremarked—to our faces. Whispers along corridors. So many eyes upon us. I exchanged a glance with Lorcan and ignored them.
“You never called off the wedding,” he said when we were alone in our temporary apartments. I still haven’t been able to bring myself to sort through my parents’ belongings in the royal chambers proper. We have a bedroom, a living area, a guards’ nook, and a washroom. There’s access to a balcony, though only half of it is usable. It’s more than enough space for two people.
“Not officially. People knew you’d left. There were rumors you’d gone back to Tenáho to be with Masika.” I tried to keep my tone neutral. Rya told me they’d been in touch, but nothing more.
I stripped off my travel-worn clothes. Stacks of paper sat on the table next to the laptop Scarlett had returned to me. Five days away, the work has piled up. Literally. There are account statements and expenses to approve. I can’t wait until Rya can come and help me get a handle on the financial situation. I’m good at math—that isn’t the issue—the problem is that there is so much money flying out of accounts that I’m worried I’ll lose track of the record-keeping and create a mess. I sigh, take a seat at the table and start sorting through them.
Lorcan kissed the top of my head. “I did go back to Tenáho. To sell the cottage.”
I glanced up at him. “Sell it?”
“To Masika. She wanted it before I came through and bought the place, but she didn’t have enough money and it needed more repairs than she could make. Now that I’ve fixed the place up, I’m selling it to her at a loss.”
“So that’s what she was contacting you about. You could have told me.”
“It wasn’t all she wanted. She proposed to me, before I came to get you from the castle.”
My instincts were right. But at least Lorcan appears to have handled it, instead of using me as a shield.
