Palla, spying Bennet, waved. For a moment, she looked like an ordinary child.
“Oh! Before I forget. You asked me to bring you these.” Scarlett brought out a bag with three boxes inside. “Converse. Size 36, in red, blue, and black.”
I felt as though I’d been punched in the solar plexus. My gift for Arya. Tears made my vision swim.
“Zosh? Are you okay?”
I shook my head. Palla’s chair scraped on stone. She put her thin arms around my neck from behind, and it was what I needed to get control of the sudden burst of emotion.
“I’m sorry. It’s been a hard summer.” I pulled Palla into my lap and began feeding her.
“Want to talk about it?”
Scarlett’s gentle invitation had the same effect that Dr. Wen’s had, months ago in Trissau. I spoke for a long time, letting it all out—every sordid detail about Bashir, the devastating loss when Lorcan pretended he didn’t remember me, my fleeting happiness when he did, and my profound sense of betrayal when I found out Lorcan had been lying about everything. How we both tried to find a way forward together, only to fall apart under the slightest pressure when we returned to the castle.
“If I’d presented myself with more confidence, Scarlett, Norah’s gossip wouldn’t have found such an eager audience. She was only able to rattle me because...because in trying to prove his loyalty to me, Lorcan made me feel as though the only thing he wanted from me was the title. To be made king.”
I sniffed and rubbed tears away. “In retrospect, maybe I misunderstood his purpose in refusing me. He was trying to demonstrate respect, but I didn’t want that. I mean, I do want that, of course, but when he did nothing to manage all the adoration coming at him, I felt neither respected nor desired.” I shifted and pulled a plate of food closer to Palla. “He had me up on a pedestal when all I wanted was to be a normal woman with him, but Lorcan never treated me like one.”
“Oh, Zosh. That man has wanted you so badly and for so long.” Scarlett patted my hand. “I can’t imagine him ever treating you like some random girl he’d fu—” She cast a worried glance at Palla.
“She doesn’t speak English. It’s fine. We’ll have to be more careful at River Bend, though.”
“I still can’t believe you kidnapped Hallie and her sister.”
“I didn’t. They, and their cousin, Cyrus, asked to come with us.” I tried for a smile, which came out watery. “It was probably foolish, but you know how Lorcan is when people need help.”
She smiled fondly into the distance. “A knight through and through. God, this stuff is so fascinating. You’re all like living fairy tales.”
“Without the happy ending.” I sighed. I stroked Palla’s thin back through her shirt. Her bony bottom was digging painfully into my even bonier legs.
“The story isn’t over yet.”
Which, I supposed was true enough. It hadn’t worked out with Lorcan, but that didn’t mean I had to continue concealing my true self from the world. I had my cage, and I could lock the world out when I needed to protect myself.
Or, I could leave it and venture out into the world, alone. If I died while out and about conducting my business, living my life, then at least I would join my ancestors havinglived.
* * *
After lunch, we went into my parents’ apartments to sort through the contents of the boxes in privacy.
“Are you sure you don’t want to send this to his family?” Scarlett asked, her palm flat on Kenton’s cardboard crate, her pale face a shade paler than usual. I hope she brought sunscreen. Auralian sun will fry her the way it does Raina.
I shook my head. “Can’t. They’re dead.”
“All of them?”
“Kenton’s family led the last stand at Nansier. If not for them, the pirates would have made it all the way to the Mountain Folk, and if Keryn’s people hadn’t been able to turn them back, they’d have controlled both access points into the country. The province was essentially depopulated that night, but they did it. They sacrificed everything.” A smile ghosted over my mouth. “The few remaining residents are charging a fortune for lumber. I can’t blame them. It’s our only source of wood. Ifran, as you saw, is having to get creative about repurposing—”
“Zosia?” Scarlett interrupted. It’s her turn to cry.
“Yes?”
“I don’t care about Ifran’s tree problem.”
I squeezed her shoulders and stood with her as she took a deep breath and opened Kenton’s box. All she would ever have of the life they planned together, the one they weren’t quite ready to claim. Silently, Scarlett removed his backpack, his books, the folded stacks of clothing. The archery set tucked along the side. She chuckled sadly and tried to put the string on the bow.
“He was so strong.” Sniffling, Scarlett wiped her nose with a sleeve. “I always laugh now, when I read about skinny fantasy heroines with their bows. It takes so much upper body strength to shoot one of these.”
