How, I don’t know. We need every stick and log we can get to rebuild The Walled City. Perhaps we can construct buildings out of another material. Concrete isn’t a viable option, stone requires quarrying, but bricks might be a possibility. Saskaya might have some ideas. Ifran will, too.
Lorcan slanted me a look. Ephram’s lone eye bounces between us.
“I understand congratulations are in order.” For the first time during our visit, he smiled. “Rumor has it that your nuptials will be celebrated this Harvest.”
I smiled tightly and thanked him. Ephram moved on without further comment. Lorcan caught my arm and leaned close to whisper, “Announce the wedding, Zosia. Order the gown.” His breath was warm against my cheek, followed by the warmer press of his lips. “Give your people a reason to celebrate.”
Being an idiot, I mumbled, “You haven’t asked me yet, Knight.”
I strode away, following our guide, my violet skirts billowing behind me in the ocean breeze. Lorcan caught up with me in two strides.
“If I do, will you say yes? Because I was pretty sure the answer would have been no this summer, despite what you said on the boat.”
Before I knew what he’d done. What he’s become. How he’d changed, in some ways for the better, but all I’d registered was the loss.
“Ask me and find out, Lorcan.”
Maybe, I’ve been thinking about this all wrong. I’m tired of clinging to old hurts. What might happen if I let them go? Choose not to let them plague me, as much as I can?
Trying to turn off my emotions never worked. My father’s approach was wrong; why do I continue trying to replicate it? Raina and Tovian embrace theirs, and it makes them better leaders. Not worse.
I love Lorcan enough to want a baby with him. I know that when—not if—he found out, Lorcan would never rest until he had a formal role in her life. What if I’ve been lying to myself as an excuse to keep him close, even while holding him at bay because I’m scared to trust…myself, mostly. Afraid I’m not good enough to keep him.
His reasons for not being with me fully are illogical, but at least he’s been consistent. He’s never been willing to go that far. His attitude changed with regard to other women. Not me. His regret on that score is sincere.
Lorcan is capable of fidelity. I believe in my heart that he wants nothing more than to live a happy life with me. What if I chose him, the way he wants me to? He’s been consistent about wanting that, too, ever since we were at school.
My fear that I would go into an unwanted marriage, never claiming some part of my own body for myself—that won’t be an issue if I married him. Isn’t resigning myself to a lifetime of celibacy a punishment I inflict upon myself?
What is waiting a few more months, if it means we’ll finally finish what we started in Scotland?
I’m tired of uprooting every seedling of hope that keeps trying to sprout in every crevice of my heart. I’d like to water it, cultivate it, and make a little garden. Being a princess is lonely enough without forsaking everything that makes life worth living.
Do I want it enough to take the risk that he’ll betray me again, though?
Inhaling deeply, I trailed Ephram onto the safe part of the beach, where there were small wooden boats lined neatly along the sand. I kicked off my slippers and walked barefoot.
Raina is going to kill me when I say yes.
CHAPTERTWENTY-THREE
We dined with Ephram in his home, precluding any further discussion of whether or not I will be a besotted dumbass and accept Lorcan’s proposal. If he makes one. I could be overestimating the chances of that happening.
Afterward, I changed into my nightgown and sat up responding to Raina and Saskaya’s messages—text, phone, email—and checked in with Scarlett, who has begun her journey back to Scotland from New York. I fell asleep working at the table by lantern, using my satellite phone and scribbling notes on paper.
At some point, Lorcan carried me to bed. He did not get in with me, which I became startlingly aware of just before dawn when an explosion made me sit straight up.
Lorcan rushed in a moment later.
“What is it?” I asked.
“The boat we scared off must have gotten through. Pirate attack.”
He bundled me into a dark-brown cloak and out into the night, leading me through the streets to a shelter in one of the empty storage caves. Hundreds of pairs of eyes shine back at me. Children. Old people. Mothers with babies. Everyone who can be spared has rushed to the beach. The ones who cannot fight are here.
“Tahra will guard you,” Lorcan said, taking me by the shoulders.
“No. Take her, too. I’ll be fine.”
