Not to mention how much it hurts to have his infidelity constantly thrust in my face. A fact I will have to contend with for the duration of our agreement.
It’s not perfect, but my plan is the right one. He can capitalize on his popularity for as long as he likes. Hopefully, I’ll get a daughter to love. If not, at least I’ll get to try something I’ve wanted to do with someone I’ve wanted to do it with, for a very long time.
My phone beeped. Raina, with Humayun’s direct number. This is what I need to focus on. Not the way Lorcan’s behavior presses on my worst insecurities.
I settled onto the bed with my notebook and a pen, sifting through the news articles and reports Raina gathered for me about Trissau. It didn’t take me long to outline my basic argument: Auralia’s record on human rights speaks for itself. So does Humayun’s. His wife—one of many—ran away. Is it so bizarre that his daughters made the same choice?
“What are you up to?” Lorcan ducked through the flap.
“Writing.”
“The article?” he asked. The one we started together a lifetime ago. The one that’s done, save for our edits and my vision statement of how Auralia will move forward into the future. I accept that finishing my degree is out of the question, but I could achieve that one small thing before relinquishing my academic aspirations entirely. But that isn’t what I’m working on right now.
“Press releases.” Briefly, I explained my plan. “I miss Cata. She would have known how to manage the PR angle.” I miss her for other reasons, too. She would have been a good sounding board for this mess I’m in with Lorcan.
We have truly made a hash out of everything. Tenáho was lovely, and desperately needed, but it didn’t change the fundamentals.
Lorcan slid onto the bed frame, unlaced his sandals and kicked them underneath. “You’ll rebuild your team. In the meantime, if I can help, Princess, tell me how.”
I touched my forehead to his. “You do help me.”
He skimmed his fingertips along my temple. I tipped my face up to kiss him. This is what he wants to hear. It’s no lie. He’s the cornerstone of my life for a few more months. After my coronation ceremony, according to our agreement, Lorcan will resign from my service and go back to Tenáho to live in his sweet cottage, making a life for himself with Masika. Or he could leave Auralia and capitalize upon his global fame. By the time he departs, I need to be pregnant, if it’s possible.
Rolling onto my side, I tangled my fingers in his hair and drew him down for a kiss. “I wish I knew if I’m doing the right thing.”
“In standing up to Humayun?”
That, too.
“How I’m going about it. If Laila wanted to go back, I would send her, over Hallie’s objections, if necessary. She doesn’t want to go. Her reasons aren’t great, but they are hers and I respect them. She’ll get an education here, just like I did, and Raina, too.”
“Zosia. You’re doing fine.” Lorcan lay on the bed with his body parallel to mine. Humid air in the scant space between our bodies. He smelled of earth and dust and that subtle note that’s solely his. I played with the lacings on his Ansi garment, wishing I had the courage to push it down. I don’t. The bulge in his shorts grew heavy and long. It provokes a confusing mixture of shame and longing within me. Shame because it’s not me who does this to him; shame because I can’t stop wanting him this way.
But he doesn’t want me like that, as he keeps proving. There’s a core of real affection—desire, on my part—but for him it’s duty and ambition. Nothing more.
“Where did you go, Princess?”
I brought my gaze back up to his chest. “Thinking.” Planes of beautifully delineated muscle, covered with smooth skin marred by scars. I traced the one on his low belly with the tip of my finger.
Lorcan pressed his hand to my low abdomen, matching his fingers to the purple marks on my belly. He sighed. “I’ve been looking at these all day.”
“I know.” The marks peep out of the waistband of my skirt, when I’m wearing it. Now, they’re visible over the waistband of my underwear. It’s cute. More than cute—it’s sexy, knowing his palm print rests over my womb, just out of sight. Sure enough, Lorcan tugged the waist of my shorts down to expose the rest of it. He inched down to kiss it reverently. My entire body tightened.
What if I just…told him what I wanted?
I backed hastily away from the idea. Then Lorcan would insist upon getting married, and there isnoway. We agreed on the plan; we are executing it. Like Saskaya said we should do. I happen to have a small side plan, that’s all. It’s mine.
One person in my life will be for me, at least when she’s young. I’m not marrying Lorcan when all I’d be signing up for is a lifetime of misery. Yet I don’t want anyone else’s child, either. He would protect our daughter if I’m taken out of the world prematurely. When, more like. Once Lorcan resigns from my service, I won’t be able to roam my country as freely. Not without risking my neck every time I leave the castle. Eventually, the Skía will find me and he won’t be there to save my life. It has to be him, or no one, so our daughter survives.
“You’re gone again.” Lorcan slid back up my body, working my loose white linen shirt up. I had to fight the impulse to yank it back down. I pushed him onto his back and lay on top of him, bent knees on either side of his, feet in the air, braced on my forearms.
“I’m right here.”
“You were thinking, Princess. What about?” Warm, tough-skinned hands skimmed my ribs. Warmer than the air. Hot enough to burn. Gentle strokes of his thumb into the ridges of my ribs. I felt the rise and fall of his chest beneath me. He is a bit larger than he was before the war, and I am considerably smaller. We fit together differently than we did before.
“I think about a lot of things.” Deflecting.
“Good thoughts?”
