I worry, most of all, that he doesn’t understand how much of a public figure he’s become, or how that makes you a target.
Then again, it won’t be an issue after October. It’s not worth spoiling the time we do have together. We’ll soon be gone from here. I won’t be returning. Lorcan can make his own choices. Masika won’t have cause to glare at me for long.
A pang in my midsection.Mine.
He isn’t, though. Never really was.
It’s been delightful to play at being ordinary people for a while. To forget, as far as possible, that we are Princess and Knight, not two villagers like Masika and Lorcan would have been, if he hadn’t gone off on his quest to restore honor to his father’s name.
The past few weeks have been a taste of a life we were never going to lead. I sighed wistfully.
“We should go home.” Lorcan kissed me, softly. We barely moved, swaying to the music without moving our feet. It’s more of an excuse to hold one another. I laid my head on his shoulder, wishing this could last. If not forever, then at least longer than we have left.
“The birthday boy cannot sneak off before the cake is served,” I reminded him.
Lorcan groaned. “Are you sure?”
“Positive.” I poked the spot on his ribs where he’s ticklish. Flinching, he set me free.
“Come on, let’s get that cake served so we can get out of here.”
After the huge dessert was sliced and served to several hundred people—no small undertaking—we made our escape. It wasn’t late, barely ten o’clock, but it’s more partying than I’ve done in a long time.
Lorcan took my hand as we walked along the unlit path in silence. Moonlight and stars dotted the wide dark sky above.
Immediately inside the cottage, he was on me. Or I was on him—it came from both directions. He pulled me close, brushed his thumb over my cheek and leaned in. Our lips met softly, and for several minutes, I thought it might be all right this time. The panic attack might have been a one-off.
He splayed his fingers around my ear, tangled in my short hair. I opened to him, welcoming the gentle intrusion of his tongue, skimming my hands up his muscular back. Lorcan made a greedy sound. I smiled against his mouth. He moved down, nipping that spot beneath my ear that weakens my knees and sends a hot pulse of need through my core.
Lorcan backed me up a step. Another. The edge of the table bumped my bottom. I hesitated. Anxiety swelled when he brought his hands to the laces at my waist.
“Wait.”
Lorcan froze.
“Let’s...get ready for bed first?”
I needed a moment to quell my unease. I want this. I do. It’s just that I can’t stop reliving that moment of searing shame when I had my shirt off and my mouth on his—
You don’t ever have to do that again.
I was so eager for him the time we were together in River Bend. Desperate for anything familiar, for love, for acceptance. For sex, too. Now, I associate that excitement with shame and disgust for my body. It’s confusing and frustrating for me, and I have no idea how to explain it to him. My reaction isn’t coming from a rational place.
Though my reasoning isn’t always on point, I am, at heart, a logical thinker. A scientist. I am controlled. Or I thought I was.
Nothing about this is logical.
“Sure.” He kissed my forehead. “Everything okay, Princess?”
No. I’m trying to seduce you and I don’t know if I can go through with it.
“Fine,” I mumbled. “Be right back.”
I changed into my nightgown and washed up.Come on, Zosia. Get it together. Fuck your boyfriend for his birthday.Perhaps I can muscle through this if I don’t let him see me naked.
When I came back in, Lorcan followed me upstairs. I can tell I’ve worried him. He folded himself into the bed next to me and took me into his arms. “We don’t have to—”
“I want to,” I said quickly. It’s true. We’re leaving soon. After this, opportunities for privacy might be few and far between.
