My face crumpled. I could feel my chin wobble and my eyes swelling. Lorcan leaned over and gently turned my face to his. I jerked away.
Don’t look at me.
He let me go, but didn’t give up, and hauled me into his lap instead. I stiffened at the contact, hating how much I needed it, before my resistance broke and I burrowed into him. He kissed my forehead. My cheek. My lips. Softly. Gently.
“No matter what happens, I’ll be with you every step of the way. I’m not leaving your side, Princess. Never again.”
I clutched him with every ounce of my meager strength. I want to believe it. Part of me does. If it hadn’t been for what I’ve seen in the past few weeks, I would, wholeheartedly.
But he’s lying to himself as much as he is to me.
“I’m sorry it took me so long,” Lorcan whispered against my hair. “I lost my way for a while.”
I buried my face in the crook of his neck, wracked by harsh sobs that shred my lungs, feeling pathetic for needing this, but unable to give it up quite yet.
We both stumbled. Him, I might be able to forgive, with time.
Myself…that’s a different question. I’m falling apart when my country needs me most. The thought ripped through me, sharper than a tiger’s claws.
I’ve been set up to fail in every conceivable way, and I am. Nothing I’ve done has worked. Everything I try backfires.
I want nothing more than to do right by my people. I’m such a catastrophe of a princess; I should probably step down. Should have let Bashir kill me. I certainly don’t deserve this…this…
Lorcan stroked circles on my back and held me tight. A long time passed before my tears subsided. Even after I could breathe properly again, I remained entwined around him. Like it’s the last time I’ll ever get to hold him this way. He stroked my hair and kissed my temple.
“I’ve never seen you break like this, Zosh.”
I made a sound against his neck. It’s humid and dark there. The moon is bright enough to pierce my eyes when I finally cracked them open and loosened my grip, putting space between our bodies.
“I’ve always respected that about you. The way you get back up every time you’re knocked down. Resilient.”
“Me?” I sat up. There was a horrifying amount of snot in my nose. Crying is every bit as horrible as I remembered; I’ll never give in to this urge again. Wordlessly, Lorcan offered me a handkerchief, which I soiled. Thoroughly. I stuffed the disgusting rag into my pocket for laundering.
“I’ve been hanging by a thread for years, Lorcan.”
“I know.” He continued to rub my back. “You were dealt a lot of shitty cards, Princess. We asked a lot of you, and you always gave your best.” He faltered. “I’ve thought a lot about the way we all treated you back then. Closing you in while shutting you out. It’s a wonder you didn’t rebel more.”
I drank water from his canteen and splashed some on my face for good measure. I wish I felt better, but I just feel empty. Hollowed out. I will not be making a habit of crying.
“Where do I go from here?” I asked, plaintively. I will have to return to the castle for good, one day, but I’m not ready for that, yet. Visiting was bad enough. Besides, if I go there, Ifran and his crew will ask me about every little detail. It will slow down their work. My fake engagement won’t withstand the scrutiny, either. So that’s not an option unless Lorcan and I become better actors, or work out our disagreements in truth.
Lorcan offered me a hand. I stumbled, rising to my feet. I seem to do that a lot these days. My balance is off. He steadied me and said, “Come home with me.”
It took a few seconds to process his suggestion. It’s a terrible idea. Yet, I have no better ones.
“To Tenáho?”
“I have a house there.” He ducked his chin a little sheepishly. “It isn’t much, just a cottage. It sits empty when I’m away. You can stay as long as you want to. Rest.”
When I didn’t immediately respond, he added, “I need to go back and see my family. People will expect you to have met them, if we are to be wed.”
There are public optics to consider. This evening has not changed my mind about marrying him. Publicly, we’re still romantically linked, but it’s a ruse.
“Yes. Okay. Sure. We’ll go to Tenáho.”
Where else is there for me, now?
Lorcan smiled and touched the tip of my nose. I’ve given him the answer he wanted, even though I’m not sure this is a good idea. It almost certainly isn’t, but I can’t think of a better plan.
