I look up at Lexa, trying not to sigh. I catch her eyes for a second before she quickly looks away.
“Look, Lexa…” I begin.
“What is it?” she asks.
I wait for a moment, struggling with my words. I have no idea where to start, and I’m ashamed to find that a lot of my struggle still has to do with jealousy.
If I just knew where she’s been all this time, and why she left, I’d feel better.
I’m a coward. I just don’t want her to run away from me again.
The realization shocks me, like lightning is sizzling through my bones. I’m so startled that I completely lose track of reality.
“Kit?” Lexa asks.
“Yeah?”
“Were you going to say something?”
I look up at her, and I’m so full of shame, I can’t believe it isn’t all over my face.
“I was wondering if you’d like to go out to the estate,” I say in a rush. “Grandfather’s estate? I think we could use a couple of days out of town, just to be together.”
She frowns, shaking her head. “Don’t we have the event to plan?”
“The others are happily doing that. Besides, we won’t be far away. It only takes an hour or so to drive there.”
“I’ve never seen the estate,” she remarks softly. “Or the lake.”
Silence falls between us again, and my anxiety rises. I feel ridiculously transparent. Surely she knows I’m just trying to get her alone, isolated, and focused on me.
Even if I can’t get her to tell me all her secrets, I won’t have to worry about her meeting up with anyone in town. I can see and smell intruders for miles up there, so if anyone comes after her, I’ll be ready and waiting for them.
“I’d love to go,” she says, smiling. “It would be really nice to see the estate.”
Her reply shocks me into silence. I was carefully preparing arguments about why we should go. The last thing I expected was for her to just agree.
“Okay,” I say with a small smile. “Let’s finish our coffee, pack some clothes, and then head out. It’s almost dawn, so we should be getting there by mid-morning.”
“Kit,” she says, looking down at her coffee cup and fidgeting. “I know I’ve been… weird, but I really do want to spend time with you. I’m feeling pretty conflicted because I had good reasons for agreeing to this—and those still stand—but seeing you again isn’t what I expected. At all.”
“Okay,” I say, watching as she looks up at me again. Her eyes are wide, full of an emotion I can’t identify.
Is she going to break up with me out there? Is that why she wants to go—to break the agreement without telling the rest of the pack?
The thought is terrifying to me, but even so, it increases my eagerness for the trip. The tension between us is so high, something has to burst soon. And I’d really prefer it wasn’t one of my brain cells.
“This is all very strange, you know,” she goes on. “And the last couple of days have been rough. We need to talk about so much, but it’s just really hard to say some things. Do you know what I mean?”
Yes, I fucking do.
“I do,” I reply. “I know I haven’t made this easy on you—”
“Oh, Kit,” she chuckles, shaking her head. “I think you’ve done a lot to help me feel comfortable. You deserve answers to your questions, and I will give them to you. I just don’t know how.”
This is sounding more and more like a “Dear John” letter.
“Okay,” I answer, nodding. “I’m really happy you’d like to come out to the lake, and even happier that you want to open up to me. I’m sorry if I’ve also been… weird, but I have some things I need to talk about as well.”
