Loretta’s words ring through my mind, over and over. I can’t escape them, the shocking vocalization of my worst fear echoing through my soul as I try to flee from the shame they invoke.
A toy, a concubine… a momentary distraction!
I don’t know where I’m going, and I can barely see through my tears. Somewhere ahead, a smear of green appears against the neat rows of buildings. I bolt towards it.
I have to get out of here… but where am I supposed to go?
I manage to push down all my emotions as I focus completely on running. The ridge of green gets bigger, and as I get closer, it swallows my vision, becoming a welcoming stretch of forest that leads directly into the Range.
Go, go! Alone forever… It’s the only way to be safe!
I keep up my pace for about a mile before my foot hits a big tree root, sending me crashing to the ground. The forest floor is soft, padded with fallen leaves, so I don’t get hurt, but the shock leaves me trembling so hard I can’t get up.
I wrap my arms around myself, curling up and letting myself cry.
A momentary distraction…
The humiliation of that day is still too much for me to bear. In a way, Father’s abuse was more honest. He made it clear from the outset that he had no respect for me and that he was going to hurt me as often as possible.
Kit promised me the world. He told me he loved me, and I believed him.
Pain rips through me again, and I sob as hard as I can, letting the grief take me. I can’t hold it back anymore, and I don’t want to.
Let me be unmade. Pain is all I am, and I’m trapped now, just like I’ve always been.
Through the horrible memories of the last few years, older ones begin to surface. I see my mother’s soft smile, hear her voice.
You are beautiful, dear one. Precious and loved. Never forget that, my darling.
“Mom,” I whisper. “I don’t know anything anymore.”
Calmer now, I sit up and look around. Tears still slide down my cheeks, and I’m shivering from exertion, but my emotions are beginning to settle down. I wrap my arms around my knees, rocking back and forth.
All of this would be bearable if I didn’t want him so damn much!
Pain throbs through my chest, making me scrunch up my face and fight against it. That is the ultimate truth here—that I don’t trust myself around Kit.
I’d let it happen all over again, just to feel the excitement of being in his arms. If I could go back, I wouldn’t change a thing…
Shame and denial rise in me, but I know I won’t have peace until I face this.
I’m not afraid of Kit.
I’m afraid of myself…
If my thoughts slip back to that night years ago or even just to last night, my body begins to throb and ache. The sensation is so pleasurable, I close my eyes and simply feel it, letting it banish all the fear and pain. For a few minutes, I ride on the sweet wave of desire, imagining how it could be if I trusted Kit.
We are married now. It’s not like he could just dump me.
Then Loretta’s words return to ring through my mind. He absolutely could put me aside and take someone else, if he really wanted to.
He could marry Derrik’s daughter, for instance. Maybe he just wants another night with me. One last roll with the girl from the wrong side of the tracks before he goes back to his own kind.
None of these doubts would hit so keenly if I felt Kit was being truly honest with me. There is still that tension in his face, the way he slides his eyes away from mine. I don’t know if it’s to do with what happened between us or something to do with my mother.
It was easy to believe Father when he said he did it. But the more I think about it, the less likely it sounds. He would have done anything to capture her and take her back as his slave. Anything else would be a waste and a failure of his ego.
Bringing Laura back in chains would definitely deter any other prisoners of his from attempting to escape. My mothermade a good run of it, too, evading him for several years. Reclaiming her would have been his ultimate triumph.
