“I know it’s last minute, but he mentioned in his medical wishes that he doesn’t want to be embalmed, and so we’re giving him a funeral service tomorrow.”
I’m clenching and unclenching my fists as I let her words sink in.
“Luke?” Nonni’s voice sounds distant, like there’s static between us.
I open my mouth to say something, but the words are trapped inside my throat. I cough away the discomfort, clearing away the tightness as I reply, “Uh, yeah, yeah. I’ll make sure to be there.”
“I’m so sorry, sweetheart,” she cries, her sniffles snapping me out of whatever trance I was falling into.
“I’m sorry too.” I reply, because what else is there to say?
“I can pack up and head that way within the hour,” I say, standing up and making my way into my bedroom.
“Please be careful,” she says before we end the phone call.
I grab my empty luggage bag and start packing things inside, feeling a strange numbness overcome me. I go into my bathroom and notice the shaking in my hands as I reach for my toothbrush. I lean against the counter, releasing a heavy breath, and bow my head.
“God, I wasn’t ready for this.”
Tears well behind my eyes, and I blink them away. I look into the mirror above my sink and see the mask of despair that I'm wearing. I’m trying to hold back the mass of emotions building inside me by busying myself. I grab everything that I’ll need, placing it all into my bag. I shove all other thoughts and feelings away as I focus on the task at hand: getting back to Indiana.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Olivia
“Good morn— What happened in here?” Raine exclaims as the front door shuts behind her.
I turn around to face her, still whisking away my coconut-cream icing, and attempt to give her a smile in greeting, but it falls short. “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” is playing in the background, along with the sound of my mixer working on the batter for my blueberry-banana bread. Buttercream gives Raine a little meow in greeting from his favorite place on my couch.
“My goodness! Did you have a lot of Christmas orders at the last minute?” she asks, placing her bag down on the floor and quickly grabbing one of my aprons. She wraps it around her waist, her eyes assessing the mess in my kitchen, and furrows her brows in determination. “What can I do?”
Raine’s been busy the last few days with trying to catch up on her work before Christmas is here, so I haven’t got to fill her in on everything that happened with Luke. I’m assuming with the way her brows are furrowed together that no one else hasfilled her in either. Not being able to talk things through with her has really been weighing me down.
I sniffle as tears begin to blur my vision, and once Raine notices, she rushes over to me. “Liv, what’s wrong?”
Doesn’t she know that you never ask someone what’s wrong when they’re trying to hold everything together? The fact that she asks this right as Mariah Carey starts singing “All I Want for Christmas Is You” and images of me singing this song to Luke just days ago pop up almost sends me to my knees.
He’s ruined music for me.
Raine rushes to me, takes the bowl that’s in my hands, and sets it down onto the countertop before wrapping her arms around me. I lean into her embrace, welcoming her comfort and warmth as I let go of the emotions I’ve desperately been trying to hold back. She doesn’t say anything, because what could she possibly say when she doesn’t know what’s going on? Having her here, holding me like this, is more than I could’ve asked for.
After my sobs slow down, she releases me so she can turn around and shut off my mixer. She takes my hand into hers and leads us to my couch. Once we sit, she waits patiently for me to explain everything to her. And I do. The words tumble out of me so quickly as I fill her in on every detail from the weekend up until the last words Luke said to me four nights ago.
Fake dating Luke cracked something open in me—something I had sealed shut. It revealed to me what a relationship could be like with him. I could travel the world in search of someone who might make me feel even a fraction of how Luke does, and I know I’d come up empty-handed. There is no one else my heart could ever beat for.
He’s ruinedme.
Knowing that I love him doesn’t make the ache go away. It doesn’t soften the sharp edge of betrayal. For eleven years, he carried something that could have changed everything, and he chose silence. What else don’t I know? What other versions of Luke have I not met?
I keep replaying his voice in my head, the way it cracked when he told me the truth, like he was breaking too. He acted as if it had cost him something to finally say the words out loud, but why now? Why not years ago, when it could’ve made a difference?
The worst part is, I can still hear the pain in his voice and how he wouldn’t look at me, acting as if he already knew he’d lost me. A part of me still wants to reach for him, and I know this hurts him too, but I don’t know how to comfort him when he’s the reason I’m hurting as well.
It’s exhausting, loving someone and resenting them in the same breath. It’s like standing in a burning house, knowing he struck the match but still wishing he’d be the one to save me.
“The trip was supposed to be about spending time with Luke and his family, not about working through a laundry list of emotions I had tucked away to never feel again,” I admit, running a hand down my face.
Raine gives me a look of understanding. “When I came back to Covewood, it wasn’t supposed to reopen old wounds, but that's exactly what it did. Coming from someone who spent a decade running away from her problems, we both know it’s not the best way to deal with pent-up emotions. After confronting my past and learning how to forgive, look at what God has blessed me with.”
