I study him as a few tears fall down his cheeks, and I think he truly believes that. That he doesn’t deserve me. That he has to do something to earn my love. I don’t know whether to be angry or appreciative.
There’s a war playing out behind his eyes. His lips part then press together again, like the words are too heavy for him to say but are too painful to keep holding. “I remember everything about graduation night,” he admits.
What?My mouth hangs open, dumbfounded by his confession because I thought he was so intoxicated that he didn’t remember anything. He made me believe this to be true, but it’s been a lie?
“I had finally admitted that I had feelings for you, and then I kissed you. You had asked me to try to sober up as much as I could and to meet you by your car within the hour. Liv, I stopped drinking, ate some food to help soak up what alcohol was left in my stomach, and as my mind became clearer, I remembered how broken I was and that you deserved so much better than what I could offer. You didn’t deserve a shattered version of a man who was headed down the wrong path, who was quickly becoming like his deranged father. I thought I was doing something right for you by not showing up. I convinced myself it was the right choice and that I was protecting you.”
My mind feels numb as it begins to race in circles, unable to make sense of the words he’s saying. I clench my hands tightly together, feeling the pinch of my fingernails as they press into my palms as a way to prove to myself this isn’t some nightmare.
"But there's something else," he adds.
The way his voice dips makes my skin feel too tight, like I’mabout to split open. I brace myself without meaning to, my body seeming to already know this next part is going to hurt.
"When I was about to leave the party, I was on my way to find Ryland, and I ran into Barry. He grabbed my arm when he saw me and told me that you had broken up with him, and he didn’t know what to do. Barry asked me where you were."
I stopped breathing.
"And I... I told him."
Luke’s eyes search mine, pleading for something I don’t have words for yet. "I told him to go find you. At the time, it felt like the right thing to do, Liv. I thought I was stepping aside for your sake."
I stare at him, allowing the silence to stretch as my brain tries to process this information. Luke sent Barry to me. He pointed him in my direction.
The night I thought meant nothing to Luke ended up shattering me. And he remembered everything. He made a choice, and that choice affected my decisions that night.
All this time, I blamed myself for being weak and naïve, for letting Barry back in when I should’ve known better. And Luke had handed me over.
I try to swallow, but my throat is dry.
"You told him to find me," I echo, my voice quieter than I intend. "Why?"
He looks down. "Because I thought you deserved someone who could actually show up for you. And at that moment...I didn't think that was me."
I had waited and hoped as I stood by my car, heart in my hands, ready for Luke to choose me. And he hadn't, but Barry did, and it had ruined everything.
“That next day, you showed up at my house, dumping buckets of ice water over my and Ryland’s heads, and I had never seen you look so heartbroken. When you asked me where I had been that night, why I didn’t show up, I knew that I made the biggest mistake of my life, and I panicked. I lied and toldyou I didn’t remember anything so that you’d think it was the alcohol that made the mistake and kept me away from you.”
But it was Luke who made the mistake. It was him who kept himself away. Part of me wishes that he never shared this truth with me, because, had he not, the illusions I’ve held onto wouldn’t have been destroyed. I wouldn’t feel my heart shattering. Tears are streaming down my face as I stand up and take a step back, bumping into the edge of the couch.
Luke stands up, reaching a hand out like he wants to hug me but thinks better of it and drops it to his side with a loud thump.
“I’ve regretted that lie ever since it left my mouth. I was scared to admit everything to you. It’s why I decided to hide my true feelings from you, because I believed that you deserved to be loved by someone better than me. I didn’t know Barry would…”
He doesn’t finish. Luke’s jaw tightens, and he looks away like the weight of that night is still crushing him, as if saying it out loud might split him open.
I wish I could react to this confession in a softer way. I should be more forgiving or have enough compassion to see where Luke was coming from. But I can’t. The moment that he stood there and lied to my face, keeps replaying in my mind. He watched me completely crumble in front of him, not even knowing the effects his lie caused me,causedus, that night.
“You didn’t show up, and because of that, I’ve allowed it to completely change my heart, and it has stood in the way of so many relationships that I could have had in the past. And you’re just now telling me, after all these years, that youliedto me.”
I’m pacing now, walking back and forth through my living room. My hands are on the back of my head as I will myself to breathe, to think, to try to calm down. Usually, my natural cure for anxiety is his voice, but for the first time, it’s causing anxiety to build inside of me.
“If you really loved me, you would have?—”
“Liv,” he croaks, clenching his fists at his sides.
I stop in my tracks and turn to face him. “Had you shown up that night, Luke, we could have saved each other from so much heartache. We could have been in love this whole time. We could have?—”
“Have you stopped to think that maybe this is how it was meant to be? You’re usually the one who always finds a silver lining in everything. You’re the one who always says to trust in God’s timing, not our own.”
