My fingers curl into fists at my sides, not from anger but to stop them from shaking. Every word from her feels like we’re both walking into something we can’t come back from.
She exhales before continuing. “I was about to leave when Barry found me. We sat in my car, and he was saying all the right things, and I thought to myself, here is a guy who wants to be with me, who, at the time, seemed like he really cared about me. I started to convince myself that I was wrong before, blinded by the confusing feelings I had for you, and that I needed to make things right.”
She takes a breath, exhaling slowly, as if mentally preparing herself for what she’s about to say. “Barry was a smooth talker. He knew all the right things to say. And then things moved so quickly that before I could even think about what I was doing…we, uh…”
My hands flex at my sides, balling into fists and then releasing as I try to resist the urge to reach for her. Because although I haven’t heard this part of her story, I knew how completely wrecked she was that next morning. Had I known that my decision would have done this to her, I would had made a different decision that night.
“And then afterward, he laughed at me, told me that he was just getting back at me for dumping him in front of his friends, and then he left me. All alone. I gave him something that I can never get back…all because I was young and confused and hurt.” She fights against a sob, trying to stay strong as she finishes her story, but I’m not sure I want to hear any more.
“I vowed to myself the next day that I would wait to have sex again until I knew I was going to marry that person. That's why we can’t keep going like we just were.”
Her words slice through me, cutting me right to my core. I’m not sure how to respond. My stomach is in knots, nausea isstarting to roil inside of me, and my heart feels like it’s beating faster than it should. I don’t want to tell her my side of the story, not after she revealed hers, but I know that if I keep this from her any longer, when she does find out, it’ll hurt her even more. She deserves to know the truth.
She continues, “I haven’t broken that promise to myself. It’s why I got baptized that summer, hoping I’d feel a little bit better about myself. It’s also why relationships haven’t worked out in the past. I’ve become super picky, and most of the guys would leave when they didn’t get what they wanted. I figured the one who’s worth my time would stick it out until marriage. I wanted to tell you before things get heated like that again. It’s silly, I know?—”
“It’s not silly,” I say, finally reaching out to take her hand into mine, wanting to jump in to defend her. “I’m glad you told me. I admire your commitment to yourself. I can’t imagine how hard that must have been for you, everything you’ve had to go through. I’m so proud of you, Liv.”
She lets my words sink in, her eyes dancing over my face, and her brows furrow together. “Then why do you look so sad?” she asks, almost in a whisper.
She must feel the way my body tenses, because she moves closer to me. My heart is thumping in my ears so loudly I’m sure she can hear it over the soft sounds of Christmas music in the background. There's a nudge deep within my gut, letting me know that this is the perfect time to open up to her, to finally tell her the truth. And for the first time, Iwantto tell her the secret I’ve been keeping from her. I want to let this go so that it might lose some of its power. So it can loosen its hold on me.On us.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Olivia
My nerves grow as I wait for Luke to answer me. One heartbeat turns into two, five, ten, until I’m sure that he’s not going to tell me what’s bothering him. Did what I say scare him away? Did it upset him more than I thought it would? Should I have not told him?
My thoughts go into hyper-drive and are about to start spiraling until his throat bobs with a loud swallow, and there’s a change behind his eyes. I think it's determination or something vulnerable. Or maybe it’s both.
What is going on inside of your head, Luke?
“There’s something that I also need to tell you about that night.”
My muscles become rigid, and I see it now, the nervousness he’s feeling. It’s in the way he’s avoiding my eyes, the tightness in his shoulders, as if he’s bracing for impact. That alone makes my stomach twist.
He has one hand rubbing the back of his neck like he’s trying to knead the words out of himself. Then he looks at me, apained expression taking over his face, appearing as if he’s been carrying something with him that’s too big and heavy, and my heart starts thudding louder in my chest.
I’m scared to hear whatever he is about to say. Afraid that whatever this was becoming between him and me is about to unravel. I wait for him to speak, and with every second of silence, the space around us fills with hundreds of worst-case scenarios, until he finally speaks.
“When I first met you, I was at the lowest point of my life. Then there you were, barreling into my world, punching a bully in the throat for me. Without even trying, you shined your light into all the darkest places of my heart. Our friendship gave me a reason to keep going.”
It’s always been there. It just took me a while to act on it.
The words he said during our first dinner together at his family’s house ring in my head. My heart feels like it’s slowly traveling up my throat. I can feel it beating against my neck as all the emotions swirling inside of me are becoming overwhelming. Earlier, Luke said he has always loved me, and it hits me now that he truly meant what he said.
“I’m not sure what it was about you. Maybe the way you looked so cute and animated when you talked. Or how sometimes you let out a little snort when you laugh. Or maybe it’s how your eyes sparkle when you get excited about something. The way your smile leaves me breathless every single time I see it. Whatever it was, I realized that I was falling in love with you.”
The words he’s saying are sweet and tender. However, there’s a haunted look in his eyes that’s making my chest ache. “You’ve been in love with me since middle school?” My voice cracks on the question.
“Yes.”
One simple word is enough to shift the whole world on its axis. Luke’s eyes shine with fresh tears. I’ve only seen him cry a handful of times throughout our fifteen years of friendship, and seeing him so raw and exposed…it breaks something inside me.
How had I not known?
My voice sounds foreign as I ask, “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because I didn’t deserve you then.” He’s so calm and quiet, but his eyes are practically shouting at me. “I’m not sure I ever will.”
