Olivia responds immediately, her hands fisting in the collar of my flannel, giving it a tug so I can move closer to her. A groan escapes from the back of my throat, and she murmurs something inaudible against my mouth as she uses her fingers to scratch up and down my scalp before moving to my neck and sliding across my shoulders.
I continue to kiss her because words can’t possibly express how I feel right now. I let my hands crawl up her thighs, and she hums in approval. It drives me crazy, how easily she responds to me, and my mind grows dizzy with possibilities.
Instead of acting on them—even though I very much wantto—I pull away and set my forehead against hers. We take a few seconds to catch our breath before we open our eyes and look at each other.
“You weren’t lying when you said you missed me more,” she says breathlessly, quirking a brow, a grin tugging on her kiss-swollen lips.
I search my fuzzy brain for the words I came here to say, my eyes settling on all the places on her face that I want to touch instead. I press my lips together. They’re still warm from her kiss, and I cup her jaw in my hand.
“I love you.” The words slip out of me so quickly, my brain still deciding that we’re done with thinking for today. Maybe we should go back to making out for a few more minutes to help us figure things out. I like the sound of that.
“I’ve always been,” I add.
She opens her mouth to say something, her eyes widening with my confession, but instead of letting her reply, I press my lips to hers. My brain is running on want, and right now, all I want is Olivia.
I kiss her like I’ve wanted to since we were teenagers, all the years of built-up emotions unraveling through me. All the years I wanted to kiss her but couldn’t flood every nerve ending in my body. She pulls back, long enough to say breathlessly, “I love you too,” before she leans into me and kisses me again.
To know that she feels the same way about me is all it takes for my control to snap. I’ve waited for what feels like a lifetime for this moment.
I’ve spent most of our relationship waiting. Waiting to be the person I always thought I was on the verge of becoming, waiting to be what she deserved, waiting for the life I thought I would have. In my head, I was always one step away. And finally, Olivia knows how I feel, and I can act on it.
I place my hands onto her hips and lift her up. I’m thankful that I could walk the layout of her house with my eyes closed,because I’m practically doing that, until my legs bump into the couch, and I pin her against the cushions.
This is more than just a physical desire with her. This goes soul deep. I want to memorize every part of her. I want to know Olivia in ways that I’ve never known her before. To know her better than anyone else. I want to be her everything, because she’s always been mine.
I move my face down the slope of her neck, placing a kiss onto the shell of her ear, feeling her shiver against me, and I’m overcome with a primal surge of satisfaction. I lift up until I can see her face. Her lips are dark and swollen, her chin and neck are red from my facial hair, and she looks completely undone.
Her lips part as I move closer until my mouth closes over hers. I’d happily get lost in Olivia, and that's exactly what is happening. I’m not thinking about anything but her—her curves that are pressing against my chest, the material of her sweater as I stroke her back, the way her soft lips open, inviting me in.
I could feel her against me every day for the rest of my life, and it would never be enough.
“Luke,” she utters as she leans away from me.
I move forward, seeking to feel her lips again, but she places a hand onto my chest that sends a warning to my brain.Oh, now it decides to work.I freeze, my eyes snapping open, my breath hitching as I sense the fear behind her green eyes.
I lost control. I took things further than she wanted. How did I allow this to happen?
“It’s okay,” she says softly, reading my sudden panic, and places the palm of her hand onto my cheek. “As much as I’d love to continue this, there’s something I need to tell you.”
I can practically hear the shattering of glass as reality hits me full force. I didn’t come here to make out with Olivia. I didn’t mean to move so fast with her. I came here totalkto her, to clear the air between us so we can finally move forward.
I pull back, settling into the couch, puttingsome much-needed space between us. Heat travels up my neck and settles into my cheeks with embarrassment. I inhale and drop my head as I add, “I’m sorry, Liv. I sort of lost control there.”
“It’s okay. We’re both humans who are attracted to each other. It’s normal to feel these urges and to want to act on them. Trust me, I could have lost control right along with you.”
Why didn’t we, then?my subconscious asks.
“I know we don’t talk about intimacy. It’s like this unspoken rule in our friendship. But sincethatjust happened”—a blush spreads across her cheeks—“you should know something.”
She looks away from me, her eyes landing on the floor, and her fingers begin to drum against her thigh nervously. I sigh, palming the back of my neck, guilt pricking at me.
“I know you don’t rememberthatnight,” she starts, not having to explain whatthat nightmeans, and my guilt grows and presses against my chest. “But I didn’t tell you the whole story. With Barry.”
Every muscle in my body stiffens, and my breath catches in the back of my throat as I see the emotions she’s fighting to keep at bay. I wait, giving her time to gather her thoughts, and am terrified of what she’s about to reveal. Then her eyes lift up to mine, and what’s behind them feels like a physical slap to the face.
“I waited for you, for hours, and once I knew that you weren’t coming, that you didn’t choose to be with me, I was completely wrecked. I didn’t really understand it then, how much I truly loved you, until you didn’t show up.” She sucks in a breath, the rims of her eyes shining with the tears she’s trying to hold back, and I want to reach out and take her hand into mine.
For some reason, I can’t move. I sit there, completely rigid, and allow my guilt to continue festering inside me. This guilt has sat in my chest like a heavy stone that’s impossible to ignore. I have carried it for so long that it’s almost started to feel like apart of me, but now, being only a few feet away from her, it feels unbearable, as though it’s pressing against my ribs, squeezing every bit of air out of my lungs.
