“Are you using this to your advantage?” he adds, the noises growing softer in the background as he must be moving away from the construction.
“What do you mean?” I play dumb, swallowing back the nerves that are building in the pit of my stomach.
He scoffs through the speakers. “I know you’ve been in love with her since we were kids. You’ve been lying to yourself, putting it into your head that you’re not good enough for heror something like that, when you’re just scared to take that next step.”
I’ve known that he’s picked up on the signs over the years. He’s even mentioned it a time or two, but I've always ignored him or acted like I had no idea what he was talking about when, deep down, I know he speaks the truth. A truth I’ve never been ready to share with anyone.
I think about it for a moment, running my hand against the roughness on my jaw, and exhale in defeat. I’m done with lying to myself, to my best friend, and I really could use his advice right now.
“You’re right.”
“Did I hear you correctly? Did you say I’m right? Can I have that written down on a signed document for proof?” He laughs, and I allow myself to smile since he can’t see me.
“You don’t have to be a jerk about it.”
He laughs again, and the sound of a door shutting and his truck’s engine starting tells me he has more privacy for this conversation, which I appreciate—until there’s a beep on my phone, telling me that he’s wanting to FaceTime. I can’t stand FaceTiming someone—anyone but Olivia, anyway—but I answer, frowning at him as his face appears on the screen.
He smiles at me and places his phone down so he can turn his heat up. His breath comes out in puffs of clouds, and he slips his gloves off to hold them by the air vents. He looks up at me and nudges his chin at the phone, as if telling me to go on.
And so I do. “You and I both messed up that night.”
He sits back, watching me for a second, the memories of our graduation night reflecting behind his eyes. I know that bringing up that night still bothers him, especially since Raine had shared with him what happened to her after they broke up. If we could both go back in time and change our actions, we would in a heartbeat. But we can’t. We have to live with our mistakes, and if anyone can understand how I’ve felt carrying this burden with me for the last eleven years, it’s Ryland.
“Yeah. We did. But we can’t change what happened that night. For all we know, it was meant to happen.”
“You can say that now because of where you’re at today. You have your girl. Things worked out for both of you. They never do for me.” I look away from the phone because seeing the pity written on his face sends a pang right into my chest.
“They won’t work out for you if you keep living in fear and avoiding the issues.”
I look back at the screen and take a seat on the bed. “I had the opportunity to finally tell Olivia my true feelings, and then I blew it because of that fear. And I almost lost her friendship because of my dumb mistake. Had I shown up, had I thoughtwewere worth trying for, things could be different between us.”
I exhale in frustration, defeat hanging heavy on my shoulders.
“It’s not that you didn’t think Olivia was worth it. You didn’t thinkyouwere worth it. And you decided to hide, keeping yourself from something wonderful because you thoughtyoudidn’t deserve it. I know that, back then, things were rough, and you weren’t making the best choices. None of us were, but you have to understand that bad things are always going to happen in life. People will hurt you. You can’t use that as an excuse to hurt someone back. And in this case, you’re only hurting yourself.”
My hair has to be a mess with how many times I’ve run my hands through it. I drop my hand, my body slouching with a sigh. “Olivia has built up walls over the years that I know she won’t let me climb over because she refuses to risk our friendship.”
“Then send the walls crashing down so you can finally get to her.” A small smile is revealed under his scruffy beard. “That wall is blocking her view of the future she could have with you. Knock it down and show her you deserve another chance.”
“You really think I can make her happy?” I ask, hating how weak my voice sounds.
“You already do.” Ryland is watching me silently, but he isn’t waiting for a response. He’s ensuring that I heard him loud and clear. “There’s a reason she suggested the two of you fake date each other. This is your trial run, a chance to redeem yourself.”
I nod, mulling over his words, feeling a sense of hope take hold of my heart. “Redeem.” I repeat the word out loud, nodding my head in agreement. “That seems to be the theme for this weekend.”
Ryland nods his head, understanding written in his expression, a hint of sadness shown in his eyes.
“Have you, uh… Have you talked with your dad since…” I don’t finish my sentence. I don’t have to. Ryland’s dad was a lot like mine. He had an addiction problem and was abusive to him. Ryland and I bonded as soon as we met because we understood each other’s trauma.
“No, I haven’t spoken to my father,” he states as he peers out of the truck window, a slight tick in his jaw.
“If given the opportunity, would you forgive your dad?”
He’s quiet for a moment, his eyes studying something outside, before he exhales and looks over at me. “I’d like to think that I would, especially if he’s made an effort to clean up his life. I’d try to forgive him.”
“Why?” The question leaves my lips before I can think twice about it.
He shrugs his shoulders. “Because I’ve made mistakes too. I might not have hit anyone?—”
