My phone buzzes in my pocket, and as I retrieve it, I see Raine’s name on the screen.
“Hey,” I answer, slowing down my pace so I don’t sound as breathless.
“Hey. I wanted to call and check in,” she says. The sounds of running water and clinking dishes are in the background. I’m suddenly feeling homesick. What I would give to grab our things, drag Olivia out of the house, and drive us back to Covewood so we could avoid this whole situation.
I exhale, running my free hand through my hair. “It was going okay until I ran into my dad a few moments ago.”
“Oh, you didn’t see him last night after you got in?”
I shake my head even though she can’t see me. “No, he was sleeping, I guess.”
More clanking and running water echoes through her line, and we don’t say anything for a minute, not really needing to. I’m thankful to have her here, though, in some form.
“I, uh…” I pause, swallowing against the sour taste in my mouth. “I prayed last night, asking God for help, but he didn’t show up. All I felt was anger when I saw him. Memories of him beating me, of him refusing to let you out of his sight, him yelling at Mom…it all came rushing back to the surface.”
She’s quiet, letting my words sink in before she replies, “I’m sorry, Luke. It’s not easy to let go of the things that haunt us.” The noises stop in the background. I hear the slamming of a door, the chains hitting together as she takes a seat on her front porch swing. “That doesn’t mean God wasn’t there for you. Sometimes he waits for us to let him in, but we get in the way. Trust me, I know how anger can hinder that sometimes.”
“I’m not sure how to let the past go or how to find a way to forgive him.”
“It’s not easy,” she says softly.
“How’d you forgive your mom after everything?” I ask, knowing how hard it’s been for her. Somehow, despite everything she’s been through, she’s been able to find forgiveness. She has a relationship with her mom. Ryland and sheare back together. All because she was able to let go of the hold that the past had on her.
Unfortunately, I don’t know if I’m as strong as her.
“I’m not an expert, but something that helps me is to remind myself of all the wrong that I’ve done in my life, and then I remind myself of how God has forgiven me. He will give you the power to forgive others because you yourself have been forgiven.”
I scoff. That all sounds good, but it’s not that simple. After you’ve been hurt time and time again, it changes you, and you’re never the same. I’ve had to accept that, in order for me to ‘get over’ my past, I also have to accept that the past is over. Even after my dad left Covewood, I spent a lot of time revisiting the past, overanalyzing it, regretting it.
The truth is that it is over. My dad can’t hurt me anymore. Nevertheless, seeing him again feels like the past is trying its best to break me.
“That’s easy for you to say. You’ve hardly done anything wrong in your life.”
“I’ve done some things that definitely require forgiveness, Luke,” she replies.
“Yeah, but not as much as I have.”
“Then that should give you more of a reason to forgive others.”
I want to hang tightly onto those words this weekend. If I’ve learned anything from watching Raine these last few months, it’s that the people who’ve been broken and have found a way to heal will always be able to love harder than most. When you’ve lived in the dark, you learn to treasure anything that shines.
I let out a shaky breath as she continues, “I know this breaks your heart, but if a broken heart brings you closer to God, then thank God for a broken heart. I promise you that you can and will get through this.”
“Thanks. I appreciate you being here for me and for always knowing when I need you the most.”
“Of course. I’ll always be here. Even if we’re not blood related, I’ve always felt like we’ve had one of those psychic sibling bonds.” She laughs.
“I guess sharing trauma will do that to you.”
“Yeah, maybe.” The squeaking of a door being opened echoes from the speakers along with the sound of Annabelle’s giggles.
“Raine, look!” I hear her sweet voice say, feeding into how much I miss home already.
“Really, Buck? You stubborn goat,” I overhear Raine scorn, and I chuckle. I can only imagine what Raine’s pesky goat has gotten himself into. He lives to torture her, for some reason. “Buck got his head stuck in the fence again. Keeping him contained has been the biggest challenge of my life,” she says before hollering, “Ryland! I need your help.”
“Nobody said that farm life would be easy,” I add.
“Ain't that the truth. I’ll let you go. Send Olivia my love, and please keep me updated on how things are going. You can call me anytime.”
