He bumps his shoulder into mine, but I’m not even sure how to explain it. This restless, sinking feeling has been clawing at me for a while now. Maybe it’s the manic obsession with finding my person or the carousel of lackluster dates that never seem to go anywhere. I want someone to just...stick.
The words leave my mouth before I can second-guess them. "Ever since things ended badly with Adam, I’ve felt a little lost."
Luke’s smile vanishes at the mention of my ex-boyfriend.
"They ended badly because you finally stood up for yourself and did what was right for you." His voice is steady, as if it’s the simplest truth in the world.
Adam was my longest relationship, lasting all of a year and a half. For most of our relationship, I made excuses and justified his negative behavior by convincing myself that he would get better, that he just needed time to settle into a comfortable rhythm with me. I had thought that maybe I just needed to spend more time with him, and eventually he’d get used to my high energy and constant need for affection.
As our time grew together, it appeared that I was losing the pieces of myself I had given to him. He didn’t prioritize me or our relationship. He was more committed tohisjob,hisfamily, andhisfriends than he was to me.
It hurt, because I thought if we had lasted, maybe eventually he would become the one. I put so mucheffort into anusthat was never attainable. It took me way too long to see that I had just thrown away a part of my life that I'd never get back.
It was a year after we broke up before I even thought about dating again. Ever since, each time that I take a chance on a date, it ends in disaster. I gave too much of myself to someone who didn’t deserve it, and I don’t think I’ve ever gotten those pieces back.
Lately, I’ve started wondering if this is just how it’s going to be for me. That maybe real love isn’t something I get to have, and heartbreak will become my version of normal.
I keep looking for my worth in relationships, chasing something that feels just out of reach, because there’s an internal clock ticking louder and louder, telling me I’m running out of time.
“Liv,” Luke sighs. The way he says my nickname feels like two hands are curling around my shoulders and giving them a shake. It’s enough to grab my attention away from my spiraling thoughts. “Whatever you’re telling yourself inside your head, don’t listen.”
My chest aches right in the center. I place my hand against the spot and rub. I wish it were easy for me, to turn off my thoughts or reroute them into something more positive. I used to be able to do that, but not so much anymore.
“You always know what I’m thinking, don’t you?”
Luke’s lips part, and I watch them, waiting for his response, but then we are interrupted by a familiar voice.
“Olivia!” Jessee, one of my friends, shouts as she runs up to our table and takes my hand into hers. “I asked them to play our song. Come dance with me.”
“I’m not really in the—” I start to say, but she’s already tugging me to stand.
I look at Luke, silently asking him if it’s okay that I leave him. He nudges his chin, smiling toward Jessee. “Go.”
“Want to come?” I ask him, knowing that Luke isn’t muchof a dancer, but I always offer anyway, on the off chance he’ll say yes.
“No, thanks. I’ll enjoy the view from here.” He winks at me, and usually the wink is such a casual thing between us, but this time I feel it deep inside my belly. Since I’m refusing to acknowledge these feelings, like an adult, I scurry away onto the dance floor.
Jessee and I bounce to the beat, hands in the air, laughing as we throw in a few dorky dance moves. The music wraps around me like it always does. It’s more than background noise; it’s my safe place. I’ve never liked the silence. It leaves too much room for thoughts I’d rather not hear.
Once the song ends and moves into another, I look through the crowd until I spot Luke, who’s still sitting at our table, staring at me. I catch a twist of his lips and see the sparkle in his eyes as he watches me dance, and it causes a sort of dizziness to fog my head.
This feeling makes me nervous because I don’t know what to do with it. I twist my body until I’m no longer facing him, my long hair flinging across my face in a curtain that I’ll gladly hide behind. I search for Jessee, who I swore was right behind me, but find her dancing with someone else. So I dance by myself.
I stay on the dance floor for a few more songs until I make my way through the crowd and head to the table, where I find Luke chatting with a woman I don’t recognize. There’s a tightening in my chest and a sudden drop in my stomach at the sight of them together.
I don’t want to interrupt him, so I go to the bar and request a bottle of water. I practically inhale the whole thing. “I always knew you were a secret mermaid,” someone announces from behind me, causing me to jump slightly until I see that it’s Zane. He smirks at me.
“Stop it with the Little Mermaid comments!” I warn him. Ever since I first met him, Zane has always made thecomment that I look like Ariel, and I don't know why, but I’ve never liked it, and he knows it. “Normal people get thirsty after dancing.”
“Yeah, I saw that. Jessee seems to be working her way around the crowd.”
I turn and find her dancing with someone new. As my eyes scan the room, I catch a glimpse of Luke and the woman he’s talking to. I can’t see his face from here, but I can see hers. She’s gorgeous with her shoulder-length dark hair, full red lips, and long lashes. She’s definitely his type, reminding me of an ex-girlfriend of his. I should be happy for him.
But there’s always the unwanted thoughts in the back of my mind, finding any flaw that I can in the women he gives his attention to, always discovering that no one is good enough for him. What kind of friend does that?
Disgusted with myself, I return my attention to Zane, who’s grinning down at me.
“What?”
