I’ve kept them buried for years for a reason. Letting myself believe inusonce almost broke me. I still remember that night after graduation, when I was left standing alone next to my car. The way the minutes stretched into hours, how the hope drained out of me with every passing second. Luke never showed, and he never explained why. That silence carved something sharp into me, something I promised I’d never let cut me again.
So now, I keep it friendly and safe, because if I start to believe in anusagain, and Luke breaks my heart, I know I won’t have the strength to piece myself back together.
Chapter Five
Luke
The loud clank of weights smacking against metal irritates my already dismantled nerves. I’m at the gym with Ryland, both of us slick with sweat from the past hour of pushing ourselves hard. I’ve been trying to clear my mind, focusing on the burn in my muscles and praying it will scorch away the frustration of the last twenty-four hours.
One phone call from my father unraveled everything. It’s been years since I’ve seen him, and you’d think I would’ve used that time to let go of the past. Yet, I’ve let my pride stand in the way, choosing to despise him instead.
Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed you the first time. That’s what it would be like to forgive my father. I’ve chosen to hang on to the truth, to the pain, in order to protect myself. You can’t be prepared for war by pretending the person coming after you isn’t still out there waiting.
“Are you trying to kill me?” Ryland gasps, his chest heaving rapidly.
He sets his weights down and drops to the floor next to his water. I fight a grin as I watch him chug his bottle of electrolytes until it’s empty. Even in high school, he couldn’t keep up with my workouts, and yet he still shows up to the gym with me each day.
“Just trying to do my best-man duties and get you ripped before your honeymoon.”
He frowns up at me. “I told you, my brother would kill me if I didn’t lethimbe the best man.”
“I don’t care what you say. We both know that I’m your best man in spirit.” I wink at him.
He raises a hand toward me, and I grab it, hoisting him up until he’s back on his feet.
“I should’ve made everyone a best man. Can I do that?”
I shrug, grabbing Ryland’s fifty-pound weights, and start doing curls. He shakes his head, disbelieving that I can keep going. With these negative thoughts swirling around inside my brain, I push through the pain of a long, hard workout until every negative thought has been pumped out of my system.
“How’s the leg?” He eyes the brace I’m wearing over my right kneecap.
“It’s better. Just wearing this as a precaution,” I reply, patting the brace.
“Well, I think we’ve done enough for the day.” He looks at his watch. “I need to go pick up Annabelle.”
“You can head out. I have a few more things I want to do before I’ll call it a night.”
He eyes me cautiously, running a hand through his hair, an understanding passing between the two of us. If anyone understands the ghosts of my past—besides Raine—it’s Ryland. He watched, firsthand, some of the worst moments of Raine’s and my lives. He also dealt with an abusive father who chose alcohol over loving his children.
The difference between Ryland and me is he had a supportive grandfather who stepped up and helped him to healthose dark parts of himself. I didn’t have anyone to lean on—well, besides God, of course. It feels like I’m handling this all on my own, and so far, prayer and the gym are the only things keeping me afloat.
“When the gym isn’t enough, I’ll be here anytime you’re ready to talk.”
I look away, focusing on the floor. I know I can talk to him. Some days, I want to, but as I open my mouth to say something, I cave and keep my feelings locked up. I’m going to have to work on that soon. Just not today.
I take a deep breath, shoving the thoughts away, and give Ryland a friendly smile as I pat his shoulder. “Thanks, man. I appreciate that.”
“I’ll see you Thursday?” he asks, grabbing his things.
Since Thanksgiving, Raine’s been hosting weekly dinners on Thursday nights to bring our group of friends back together. After moving away ten years ago, she missed a lot—and now, she’s determined not to miss anything else.
I’m glad she’s back in Covewood. Raine’s like my little sister—one who shares the same nightmares as me.
“I wouldn’t miss it.”
I hop into my car after the gym and start the engine. Just as I shift into drive, my phone rings, and my grandma’s name flashes on the radio display.
I grunt, instantly reminded of the upcoming Christmas trip to Indiana with my dad’s side of the family. I love my family, but being around them is hard. Even though my father won’t be there, his ghost always is.
