“If you stay, you’ll hate me for it. If I go, I'll hate you for it. No matter what choice we make, we’ll end up destroying each other.”
“That’s not true.” I watch as fresh tears drop from her eyes, and my stomach tightens, threatening to spill out the whiskey that is currently splashing inside my gut. Olivia wraps an arm around Raine’s waist, her wide eyes studying me in surprise.
“I realize now that we just need to rip the Band-Aidoff, Raine. We’re over.” I speak so fast I can hardly understand myself, but if I don’t hurry and get the words out, I never will.
Her face contorts with hurt. “No.”
“Yes. I’m not going to try to pretend like this is going to work out between us. I would rather get this over with now so we can both move on with our lives.”
“Move on with our lives? Ryland, you are my life. I love you. I don’t want to—” A sob escapes her, and something in my chest breaks. Sometimes, in life, you have to choose between which painful route you need to take. I’m choosing the pain of letting Raine go. She’ll thank me for it later. Even if I hate myself for it, even more than I hate Davis.
“I’m about to—” Olivia shouts, her hands balled into tight fists, but Luke slides in beside her and tugs her away from us. “Luke, let me go!” she shouts in the distance.
I feel it now, my walls crumbling down around us, and I hate this. I hate hurting her. Why does it have to be this way? But I love her too much to let her stay in a place where she’ll rot away. Maybe this way I can figure out things with Davis. Get him put in jail like he deserves or send him packing far away. I need time to do that. I need her safe. And in order to do that, I need her to go.
“Ry, don’t do this,” she begs.
“I promised your Mamaw I’d—” I let the words slip, my lips quivering. “It’ll be better if you leave.” Before I can ruin anything else, I turn and walk away.
Chapter Thirty-One
Now
Raine
He lied so I would be safe.
Those words bounce through my head over and over again as I pace up and down Ryland’s porch. I can’t hear the crashing sound of the lake water or the wood squeaking underneath each step that I take. All I hear is the memory of Ryland’s words:“It’ll be better if you leave.”
He made it clear that he chose to break up with me because he wanted to protect me. In true Ryland fashion, he was putting someone else’s needs in front of his own. He broke my heart that night; but Ryland wasn’t the reason I chose to run away.
“That night destroyed me,” I whisper, allowing the tears to escape. I stop in my tracks to turn and look at Ryland. His face contorts, as if my words physically hurt him. I close my eyes and suck in a breath. “But I didn’t leave because you told me to.”
I open my eyes and blink away the tears so that I can study Ryland. If only he knew how hard it was for me to accept the fact that he didn't love me as much as he once promised. If only he felt how hard it was for me to move away and start over in aplace that never felt like home. Because hewasmy home. However, it is time we both overcome the past.
“Something else happened that night. Something I haven’t even told Luke yet.” I add.
“What happened?” he says finally, pushing himself up from his rocking chair and taking a step toward me. “What don’t I know?”
I don’t want to tell him. Because the very thing he was trying to protect me from still happened. I know the truth will crush him, but I also know we won’t be able to heal from the past if we continue to ignore it. It needs to all be laid out so we can finally move on.
“That night, when I left the graduation party, I came back here,” I start, and my hands beginning to tremble as the memories flood my thoughts.
Ryland stands firm in his place, watching me closely, and I want to reach out and comfort him. But I also want to jump into my car and drive far away from this conversation. Every nerve in my body is telling me to run, but I’m done running.
“I went down to the dock, and I waited for you to come home. But you never did.” I learned later that he ended up getting drunk and crashed at Luke’s house. I don’t know why I assumed he would even think to come home after drinking, because his mother and Pops would have been furious with him. But I hoped anyway that we could fix us. That the one shot was all he had, that he realized his mistake, but that’s not what happened.
I can see the regret weighing on his shoulders, but instead of sliding into his arms, I lace my fingers together and squeeze, attempting to get my hands to quit shaking before I continue.
“It was late by the time I left here. I was supposed to be staying the night at Olivia's house, but I didn’t want to risk getting her in trouble if I showed up well past midnight. If I went to my grandparents’ house, I would have woken them up, and they would have asked questions as to why I was upset, andI didn’t want to deal with that at the time. I didn’t want them to be upset with you either, so I ended up going home.”
I want to talk about what happened without mentioning how much it hurt. There has to be a way to care for the wounds without reopening them, to name the pain without inviting it back in.
God give me strength to say what needs to be said.
“I figured they’d be asleep at that late hour or at least passed out by then. However, Mom and Davis were awake. They were in the living room together when I entered the house, and I caught Davis and his goons making plans for their next heist or whatever it was that they were planning at the time. I don’t remember the details. All I do remember is smarting off to him as I rushed to my bedroom. Before I could shut my door, Davis stood in the way and stomped into my room.”
At this point, I’ve stopped crying, focusing more on getting the words out. Ryland places both hands on the back of his head and is now pacing in front of me.Come on Raine, get the words out.
