She always hoped I would come back?
“You all did a fantastic job. Johanna and I loved seeing life being brought back into this old home,” Papaw says, and I catch the sadness within his voice at the mention of Mamaw.
I turn to him and take his hand into mine. I don’t know why I feel so clingy to him, but knowing he’s here is helping to keep me grounded instead of spiraling. He gives me a small smile and another encouraging squeeze. I bow my head, close my eyes, and say a silent prayer for God to bring me strength to get through this dinner.
As I exhale and look up, I see Preston studying me. He’s quick to smile, but I catch the worry in his eyes. Am I making him as uncomfortable as I feel being here?
I can already tell that Preston is nothing like Davis. He’s the complete opposite, actually. His body is slim, and his thinning hair is a sandy blond mixed with gray. He’s wearing a sweater vest and black round glasses on the bridge of his nose. He doesn’t look anything like my mother’s typical “men.”
I’ve only spoken to him a few times since I returned to town—once at the hospital, once at the viewing, and once at the funeral. But I’ve kept my distance since then. I haven’t really given Preston a chance. However, I can tell he’s safe to be around and that he truly loves my mother with the way his eyes seem to twinkle when he looks at her.
She looks happy and joyful during dinner, sharing stories about how Preston and her met and how they made things work long distance for a while until he finally proposed. It seems like Preston was her saving grace, and it brings me a sense of reassurance seeing her like this.
After we finish eating, Preston goes tohelp Mom clean up the dishes, and Papaw takes that opportunity to whisper in my ear, “Talk with her, will you?”
“I will.” Even as the words leave my mouth, I can feel the weight of what’s to come pressing onto my shoulders.
“It’ll all be okay. I promise. I’ll go and distract Preston to give you some time to hash things out. This will be good for you, Little Duck. Remember what was said in church today. Use those words to guide you. I want to see you healed from this, and we both know it won't happen until you confront it. I’ll be right outside if you need me.”
I give him a nod as Preston and my mother enter the room. I need a moment to breathe and prepare myself for this conversation. Excusing myself, I make my way to the bathroom down the hall.
Inside, once the door is shut and locked, I brace against the sink and take in a few deep breaths. I spent a lot of my time growing up locked in this bathroom, mainly because the lock to my bedroom had been damaged and no longer worked. However, the bathroom was the only place I felt safe in this house, and somehow, it still brings a sense of comfort to me.
I wash my face in the sink and dry it with a hand towel. As I pat my skin, my eyes find my reflection in the mirror, and I remind myself that I’m not that same scared little girl who used to live here. I moved on with my life. I made something of myself. I proved to them that I’m not worthless. I am strong. I am capable. I am worthy of happiness. And this will all be okay.
As if sensing that I need him, my phone dings with an incoming text from Ryland.
Ryland
How is everything going?
It’s going. We finished dinner and now I’m about to talk with my mom.
Ryland
I’m praying over you. It will be okay, I promise. I’m proud of you for pushing past your fears and working towards a better relationship with your mom. Maybe we can celebrate later with some ice cream?
Only if you’ll have mint chocolate chip?
Ryland
Only if you’ll have the best flavor that was ever invented!
Which is cookie dough by the way unless you forgot?
Oh I didn’t forget. We can settle this debate once and for all.
Ryland
It’s a date.
I grin at my phone, thankful for the little distraction, and don’t miss how a cluster of butterflies begin to take flight in my stomach at the mention of Ryland and I going on a date. I fix my hair and pat down my light-blue maxi dress. With a quick inhale, I feel much better as I open the door. But as my eyes drift toward the door to my old bedroom, my body seems to take over, and I find myself pushing the door open.
My eyes widen at the sight of the white walls littered with my grandmother’s paintings, some that were from my own collection that I left behind in this room. Everything else is different, yet the memories still seize me.
I stop in my tracks just outside the door. My eyes studying the wall next to a queen-sized bed, right where my dresser once was, and see that the hole is no longer there. However, thememory fights its way to the surface, and I’m reliving that night all over again.
It still haunts me, no matter how many times I try to push it out of my mind—the thoughts, the touch, the smell. Everything still feels alive. Being here in this room brings it all back. My throat feels the ghost of Davis’ tight grip, and I reach a hand up to my neck to make sure he’s not really there. I back away from the room and bump into something warm.
