Ryland
Normally, on Sundays after church, Mom, Zane, Annabelle, and I go to Matty’s Meats and order their “Mighty Matt Burger” in memory of Pops. We all split the humongous burger and reminisce on our favorite memories and stories of my grandparents. We started the tradition shortly after we lost Pops. We're still learning how to cope without my grandparents in our lives.
I love a good tradition. However, today, I don’t feel like participating. After the church service this morning, I felt drained. Everyone around me seems to be carrying a heaviness with them, knowing it was our first service without Johanna.
When I mentioned to my family that I wanted to head home, Annabelle didn’t want to leave my side. I try to limit how much screen time she has, but today, I turn onBlueyand snuggle up on the couch with her. She fell asleep a few minutes ago, and yet, here I am, continuing to watch the show.
I secretly think this is a cartoon for parents too.
I shake myself out of aBlueytrance, especially since it’s the episode where Bluey and Bingo’s aunt visits, and it always tugsat my heart. I need some fresh air, so I gently move away from my sleeping daughter, successfully not waking her as I do, and make my way onto the porch.
I take a seat on one of my rocking chairs, and the creaking fills my ears as I rock back and forth. I peek through the glass of the back door and see that Annabelle is still sleeping peacefully on the couch. Her mouth hangs open just a little bit, reminding me of how her mother would look while she slept. I ache for Annabelle anytime I think about Maggie. I’ve had seven years to try to understand her reasoning for leaving us, but even so, it still breaks my heart for my daughter.
After Raine left Covewood, I started drinking heavily and partying every chance I could. It was the most broken I’ve been in my life. Two years after Raine left, I met Annabelle’s mom. Maggie’s family rented the cabin next door one summer. Maggie and I ran into each other at one of the bonfire parties people held at the lake, and we hit it off. Our shared brokenness drew us to one another, and we became the perfect distraction for each other.
One thing led to another, and she ended up getting pregnant. I didn’t know for months. After summer ended, Maggie and her parents returned home to Colorado, and even though we’d exchanged phone numbers, we had a silent agreement that things would end after that summer. Three months later, she called me and told me she was pregnant.
Her parents weren’t supportive, and after a pep talk with Mom and Pops, we all drove to Colorado and picked Maggie up to come live with us. I should have known that she wasn’t doing well mentally, with how she seemed unattached during her pregnancy. I tried everything that I could think of to excite her and assured her that I would always be there for her and our child.
After Annabelle was born, Maggie’s postpartum depression took over, and a few months later, she told me she was leaving. When I begged her to at least keep in touch with Annabelle, shesuggested signing over her rights so that she wouldn’t have anything keeping her tied to us. At the time, I thought that burying my Nan or losing Raine was the worst pain that I would endure. But I was wrong.
Knowing that my daughter’s mother wanted nothing to do with her completely destroyed me. I reached out to Maggie’s parents and asked for help, but they only turned away from us. They, too, wanted nothing to do with Annabelle. I was so angry and originally refused to allow Maggie to sign over her rights. But finally, my gut told me to let it be done.
Once everything was finalized, she returned to Colorado. I gave it a few years before I felt brave enough to reach out to Maggie again. Her phone number had changed of course, but I was able to get a hold of her parents, who informed me that they hadn’t spoken to Maggie in over a year and, sadly, still showed no interest in Annabelle. They told me to not call again and hung up.
I let it go after that and decided that, in order to heal from it all, we needed to move on. Now, if Maggie were to show up tomorrow and want a relationship with Annabelle, I wouldn’t say no. What kind of a father would I be to take that away from Annabelle? But until that day comes, it’ll just be her and me. And I’m content with that.
Annabelle changed me for the better. She helped me grow into a much better man and find my faith again. She’s my little angel, and I feel so lucky that God chose me to be her father. I know that when the time is right, he will bring us someone who will be willing to step up and be the mother figure Annabelle needs.
We just haven’t found her yet.
“There you are,” I hear Zane say from my right.
I jump slightly, ripped away from my deep thoughts, and throw an empty cup toward my little brother. He dodges it and paints a smirk across his face.
“Did I almost give you a heart attack, old man?” He chuckles when I scowl at him.
He takes the empty rocking chair next to me and lets out a sigh. “We missed you today. I think it was the first Sunday you’ve missed since…”
He doesn’t finish his sentence. He doesn’t have to. I shrug and exhale some of the weight that’s been sitting on my chest.
“Yeah, I know.”
He reaches over and gives my shoulder a comforting pat. Zane might give me a hard time some days, but he has a heart of gold. I’m thankful to have him as my brother.
When we were younger, especially back in Utah, we would fight so much. We had to share a room back then, and because we spent so much time together, it caused a few issues between us. Once we moved to Covewood, we not only gained our own spaces, but we also kept the fighting to a minimum, thanks to Nan and Pops. They wouldn’t tolerate it.
Once we grew up, so did our friendship, especially after Annabelle was born and Zane became “The World's Coolest Uncle” as he likes to claim. He even bought himself a coffee mug that says so. He helped me a lot during those first few—very hard—years of raising a child all on my own. I learned just how important family is during those times.
I still do.
“I’m sure it’s a lot. Losing Johanna. Running into Raine. I’m here for you. You know that, right?”
“I appreciate it,” I reply.
He claps his hands together and leans back into the wooden chair. The sound of it creaking fills the silence as we both peer out toward the lake. After a moment, he seems to remember Annabelle and looks through the back door.
“She’s taking a nap,” I tell him, and he relaxes next to me.
