Once I feel my tears stop, I mentally build the walls back up around my heart and try to prepare myself for what lies ahead of me. “Do you feel like talking about it?” he whispers against my ear.
I want to lean against him, nudge my nose into the crease of his neck so I can breathe him in a bit longer, and wrap my arms around his waist to bring him closer. I want to do this all out of comfort; however, it’s time to let go of those urges. I can’t string him along anymore. I owe that to him.
I remove myself from his embrace and make my way down the hallway. “My Mamaw had a heart attack,” I say flatly, feeling myself begin to numb. “I have to go back home.”
Samuel’s eyes stay locked onto mine and he nods in understanding. I can tell from the look on his face that he wants to ask more but chooses not to. Instead, he asks, “Would you like me to look for flights there? Cove…what’s the name again?”
“Covewood, Kentucky,” I reply, my back still toward him.
I walk into my bedroom and grab a duffel bag from the bottom of my closet and start piling it full of clothes. I open the drawer to my nightstand and see the rainbow necklace laying inside. The sight of it is enough to send me to my knees. I allow myself one more moment to feel as I place the gold chain around my neck and clasp it together. It brings me a sense of comfort as I place the pendant between my fingertips and give it a squeeze.
Mymind goes blank as I manage to turn off all my thoughts and return to packing. It’s a defense mechanism I adapted years ago. It’s something I used to do growing up. Something that has apparently never gone away.
I zip the bag shut and begin to fill another one with more clothes. A soft knock comes from my bedroom door. I jump at the sound and turn to see Samuel’s apologetic expression. “I couldn’t find any flights that would be leaving anytime soon.”
“Alright,” I reply. Driving there seems like my only option at the moment. If I drive, I can pile my car with more of my things, in case I need to stay and— I bite my bottom lip and fight against the new tears that try to form. I take a moment to breathe in deeply and pray for strength. “I’ll drive,” I add, nodding in agreement with myself.
“Are you sure? I’m not sure if you should,” Samuel admits and walks closer to me.
I take a step back and busy myself by grabbing my camera bag and laptop. “I’ll be fine.”
“Raine.” He huffs, and my eyes snap toward him. “It’s okay to?—”
“I said I’ll be fine, Samuel. I have to pack and leave as soon as possible, so I think it’s best that you leave now.” My voice sounds unfamiliar. Flat. All emotion ripped away and tucked inside a box.
“I don’t feel right, leaving you like this,” he admits. “Even if you don’t love me.” Hurt is laced within his words. The last thing that I wanted was to hurt him in this way. Unfortunately, I don’t have time to deal with it. I need to go backhome.
“Sam, I’m sorry, but I need to go.”
Samuel’s face falls in defeat, and after a few moments of him fighting with himself, he nods in agreement before turning toward the door. He starts to walk down the hallway but stops and spins around to face me once more. “Will you call me when you make it there?”
“Yes,” I promise him.
He taps the door frame two times, lost in thought for a moment or struggling to leave me, before he finally turns and walks away. As soon as I hear the front door close, I rush to grab the rest of my things.
Even if I return to Covewood and the past tries to make me a hostage of the painful memories I left behind, I will try my best to be brave. I will fight to be strong. I have lied to myself long enough, and my heart is telling me that it's time to go. It's time to finally returnhomeand face the demons that I left behind.
Chapter Five
Now
Ryland
It’s been one of those days where the minutes go by too slowly and everything seems to collapse onto one another. Nothing fits quite right and the sunlight shines with no warmth. There is this constant feeling lingering, like I’m forgetting something, but I don’t know what.
Twenty-eight hours have dragged by since Johanna arrived at the hospital. For the first few hours, I did everything I could to keep myself busy. I spent my time grabbing anything Johanna’s family needed from town and went for multiple coffee and food runs. I returned home for a few hours last night to tuck Annabelle into bed and struggled to sleep myself. I came back to the hospital early this morning after dropping Annabelle off at school, and I have sat next to Earl ever since.
Sooner or later, I'm going to have to think about what happened, and then I'm going to be a mess.
So, I continue to find ways to stay busy. I make small talk with the townsfolk who arrive. I hand out muffins that Olivia brought for everyone. I grab coffee for what feels like thefiftieth time. I make sure that Earl is okay. It’s all I can do to keep myself together.
Earl and Johanna have become a big part of my life. I have always made sure to keep a close eye on them. They’re family to me. A second set of grandparents I didn’t ask for but happily gained. Watching Johanna go through this feels like losing my grandparents all over again.
I fight to contain my emotions, to stay strong for everyone that sits in the hospital waiting room with me, but it’s growing harder to do the longer we wait for answers. The last update we were told was that Johanna’s body has stopped fighting the machines and has finally settled down. Her heart needs surgery, but the good news is that she is able to have it.
All we need is to get the results of her MRI, which is what they’re doing now. The doctors need to see if she’s still in there somewhere after ten minutes of her heart stopping.
“I tried my best,” I said over and over to Luke on the drive to the hospital and again to Earl, who in return gave my arm a pat as if silently saying, “I know.” I never stopped pushing and fighting for her life on that kitchen floor until the ambulance arrived. And yet, I carry this heaviness ofdid I do enough?
