“Tis more likely that God daena want me tae be on the other side of time, tis against his will, and I am cursed tae suffer for it.” Then he smiled, “But I ought not complain in front of the bonny lass, continue showin’ me yer wee cottage.”
I gestured toward the bathroom. “And then this is the… privy.” I said, “You’ll stand here and… you know. Or sit on it like a throne.” I took a deep breath but still heat rushed up my cheeks as I stood in front of this huge hulk of a man, a handsome man, and said, “This is the toilet paper, you tear off some squares and use it to um… wipe your... you know.”
I pantomimed wiping my ass and his eyes went wide. He chuckled. “Och nae, Mistress Lexi, I ken how tae clean m’arse, I am nae a bairn.”
“Oh, good, I didn’t think you would have seen toilet paper before.”
“Och, we daena hae toilet paper, but I ken how tae devise leaves or cloth for the task. I daena think I will hae a difficult time figurin’ out the procedure.”
“Good, perfect, then you throw the paper in here, and flush this handle. It whisks it away.”
I flushed and the old toilet rattled and made a racket.
He said, “Och, now that is a miracle.”
“Yes, yes I imagine it is. You know what’s cool? If I remember correctly, the flusher is a Scottish invention.”
“A Scot invented it? Are we in Scotland?”
I said, “Wait, you don’t know where you are?”
Behind us, Jen was putting down bags. “I’m back! Wine, cheese, booze, beer, crackers, all the fun things!” She spread out boxes. “I couldn’t decide what everyone wanted so I brought an assortment.”
We met her in the kitchen and Torin asked, “This is all from yer larder, Mistress Lexi?”
I nodded. “Yep, I always have snacks.” We stood around the counter and ate crackers with meat and cheese stacked on top, and drank beers in cans that Torin admired greatly.
Eating our snack, I said to Jen, “Torin was just telling me he has no idea where he is.”
“Oh, weird.” Then she added, loudly, as if she were speaking to someone hard of hearing, “You’re in A-mer-i-ca!”
“Jen, you don’t have to yell or talk slowly.”
He jokingly rubbed his ears. “Och nae, I ken where we are, we are in the land of the screechin’ harpies.”
Jen cracked up. “Oh man, I just met you and you’realreadycalling me a harpy? Men usually wait to call me that until the third date.”
I said, “You were too loud, his ears hurt from the time jump, we were just talking about it.”
Torin bowed. “M’apologies, Mistress Jen, twas a shock. This is all stupefying. Ye arna wearin’ enough clothes, tis late at night. I canna figure out where yer husbands are, ye are both alone, and I daena ken where I am or even whose lands these are, but I must be protective of ye as yer husbands hae nae left ye with enough guards.”
I winced. “When you put it that way, thatisstupefying.”
Jen looked down. “I am covered from my ankles to my shoulders!”
I said, “Them’s some tight-ass date-night jeans.”
She said, “You cannot say a thing, your jeans are just as tight.”
I scoffed.
Then said to Torin, “I’m sure this must be very different from what you’re used to.”
“Ye dinna answer m’most important question: how dost ye hae nae guard — what are yer husbands about?”
Jen said, “No husband, I went out on a date tonight — he was adequate.”
He said, “I daena understand a word of it.”
