‘I thought he was going to… to hurt me…’
Fi knew her sisters could feel that she was shaking. She caught the look that passed between Laura and Ellie.
‘Has someone hurt you before, Fi?’ Laura asked gently. Her voice sounded calm. Controlled. She’d always been so good at being in charge.
Fi could feel it happening. The breach happening in the dam that had been so solid until now. She could almost see the hairline crack appearing in the huge wall of emotional concrete she’d used to bury things that could have so easily destroyed her. She could feel the weight of what was behind that dam – the countless tears that had never been allowed to fall – until this morning. But those tears had been spilling over the top of the dam. This crack, if it got any bigger, could release so much more it might be enough to drown her.
She didn’t want it to happen.
It felt like failure.
But there was a part of her that did want it to happen. Because she was so tired. And that dam hadn’t been simply to protect herself. It had been supposed to protect her family – not to become so wide it felt like her family was in a place she had no passport to visit.
As she found herself nodding slowly, it felt like she was doing more than responding to Laura’s careful question. It felt like a kind of surrender. The crack was getting bigger – and maybe it was supposed to be happening.
There was a slightly harsher note in Laura’s voice now.
‘A man?’
Fi swallowed past the sudden constriction in her throat and nodded again.
The silence was shocked this time.
‘Dear Lord, Fi…’ Ellie whispered. ‘Did herapeyou?’
Fi didn’t need to nod. She knew they could see the truth all too clearly in her face. They could probably sense it in the wave of shame and fear that was rolling out from somewhere very deep inside her.
‘Was it the same man?’ Laura sounded fierce now. As if she was ready to find a shovel and go after him herself.
Fi shook her head. ‘No… it happened a long time ago. A very long time.’
Ellie’s indrawn breath was a gasp. ‘Was it why you left home? And went so far away?’
Again, Fi shook her head. ‘No. It was in my second year at uni.’
Another meaningful look passed between Ellie and Laura. Fi could actuallyfeelthem sharing memories. Joining the dots.
‘Does this have something to do with why you dropped out of vet school?’ Laura asked quietly.
‘Yes.’ The word was no more than a whisper.
‘And why you avoided coming home for so long?’ Ellie’s words were thick with tears. ‘Oh,Fi… why didn’t you tell us then?’
‘I couldn’t. I wanted to but…’ She shook her head. ‘I just… couldn’t.’
‘Whynot?’
Fi ducked her head. ‘I was too ashamed.’
Laura’s breath escaped in an outraged huff. ‘What the hell didyouhave to be ashamed of?’
Too many things, Fi thought.
But she couldn’t keep the truth hidden any longer. Too much of it had already escaped, so they might as well know the worst of it. Or at leastpartof the worst of it.
‘Because it wasmyfault that it happened.’
There was a beat of… what was it… disbelief? Outrage, even?
