I rise up on my knees, hoping he’s going to share what he’s talking about.
“You sure you wanna know? Because let me tell you, Millie, I’d give anything in this world other than you, to be in the dark about it.” He’s got a deadly serious look on his face as he warns me.
“I want to know,” I assure him. Staring him in the eyes so he sees that I’m sure.
“Back when we were living in Nebraska, child services found out that I was the sole person responsible for Corey.” He starts to explain, looking haunted. “I had a bad history; I’d done a few stretches in juvie while our mom was alive. After she died, I stepped up and started thinking smarter. There was no way I was letting my little brother go into the system, so I joined the club and moved us into a trailer on some barren land near the club compound.”
I sit back and listen, wondering where this is going.
“Kate was the name of our support worker, and she was a good person. She saw that I was a little rough around the edges, but she knew how much I wanted to protect my brother. She helped us. She let a lotta things slide. The place was never as clean as it should have been, and Corey didn’t get as much help with his homework as the other kids at his school did, but she knew how much I loved him, and he was always fed and taken care of.”
I nod to let him know I’m keeping up.
“Corey was eight when I became the club enforcer, and doing that took me away from him even more. I wanted to impress my president; make him sure he’d made the right decision, and in doing that, I missed a few meetings with Kate.
I didn’t think it was that big a deal, but when she turned up for the fourth meeting I’d missed and I was on a job for the club, things got serious.
She left me a message saying that she’d found Corey at home when he should have been at school. She said she’d call back around later that night, and warned me that her boss was getting at her. If I didn’t show up, she was gonna have to make other arrangements for Corey’s care.” Dev shakes his head. “I was outta service, burying two good-for-nothing cunts in the ass-endof nowhere. I didn’t get her message until I got back to the club, by then it was too late.” Dev’s eyes fill with tears.
“They took him away?” I can’t remember Corey ever mentioning going through that, and I guess it makes sense why they left. Dev would never have let someone take Corey from him.
“I rushed home as soon as I heard the message, and I could smell the smoke as soon as I pulled down the dirt track.” His eyes go distant as he recalls what happened next. “I could see our trailer on fire. It was blazing, and Kate was trapped inside, screaming for help. Corey was just standing there, watching her claw at the window, trying to get out. His face was so cold and blank. He didn’t look scared or concerned.” He still looks concerned by his brother’s reaction. “ I tried the door, but it was locked. I could hear the pain she was in; she was begging me to save her, and I tried…I triedso fuckin’ hard. I managed to kick the door open, but it made the fire worse. I couldn’t get to her.” I watch him chew on his fist as he relives it. “Somehow, Kate crawled her way to the door, and I managed to drag her out, but she was…She was dying, Mill. She had barely any flesh left on her face. I could see the bones in her arms. She was never gonna survive, even if I called an ambulance. So I did the only thing I could do for her, and stopped the pain.” He uses the back of his hand to dry his eyes. “I hadn’t ever killed a woman before.”
“Dev, I’m so sorry.” I can see now how much all this has affected him.
“Corey just stared at her body with no emotion, and then I saw the key to the trailer in his hand.”
“What?” I slam my hand over my mouth.
“I asked him what happened, and he told me that she’d tried to take him away from me,” Dev finishes, and I can see that burying his past has shattered him.
“Are you sayingCoreydid that to her?”
“I blamed myself. I should have been there. I told myself that he was just a scared little boy. I had to think fast. Child services would have known she had an appointment with us that day. So, I put her body in her car and drove it off a cliff, then set fire to it so it looked like there’d been an accident. I spoke to the club, requested a transfer, and got us the fuck outta Nebraska,” he explains.
“And all this time you kept that to yourself?”
“Saint and Sinner know, they insisted on coming with me. I brought Corey here for a new start. I thought what happened was done outta desperation. We never spoke of it again. Just acted as if it hadn’t happened, but I never forgot how unaffected he was by it all. That's why I was never gonna risk letting him join the club. I was scared that doing what we do would trigger him. We do bad things, Millie, but we don’t kill innocent people.”
“I know that.” I stand up and go to him, wrapping my arms around his middle and holding him tight.
“I thought it was just a one-off thing he’d done because he was young and didn’t know better.” Dev pulls away.“But that girl at the strip club told me the reasons why he visited her. He liked to hurt her. She said he had a dark side no one else knew about. And straight away, I saw that cold-hearted kid who was watching that woman burn. I knew, Millie, and I chose to ignore it. That put you in danger, too.”
“Corey never hurt me, I promise. He was always kind and gentle. That’s why I didn’t understand why you’d asked those questions.” I try to reassure him. “You can’t blame yourself for what happened to Kate, or for what happened to that girl at the strip club. You loved your brother, and you wanted to see the best in him.”
“I should have raised him better. Everyone keeps telling me that he wanted to be just like me. Is that what he thought I was?” Dev looks at me as if the thought tortures him.
“We’ll never know what he was thinking, but you loved him and you always tried to do what was best for him. You can’t carry the guilt of what he did.”
“I don’t want you to hate him, I want you to remember that kind boy who made you smile.” He reaches up his hand to stroke my face. “He really did love you, Mill,” he promises.“But I love you more.”
The last few words he says have me looking up at him, open-mouthed.
“You’ve never said that before,” I tell him.
“Well, I’m saying it now, and I ain’t feeling guilty about it no more. I love you. Hell, I’ve tried not to, but you made it damn impossible. Corey might have loved you, but what I feel for you is different. If you asked me to pick you or the club, it would always be you,” he assures me. “That’s why I wanted you to give him the ultimatum. I was so sure he was gonna pick you. I wanted to save you both.”
“I love you, too. Which is why I’d never let you make that choice. You belong at the club, and I feel like I belong there, too, now.”
