“What’s this?” I ask Gregg as he comes down the stairs carrying a fourth one.
“Your father managed to get you on a flight this evening,” Mom calls out from the top of the stairs before following after him.
“Daddy.” I look at his office door, but he’s not there. It's closed, and when I barge through it and stand in front of his desk, he looks down sadly.
“You really want to send me away?” I feel so betrayed, despite Mother's rash behavior over the years, I’ve always felt as if he had my back.
“I think it’s for the best, darling,” he whispers.
“How is me being away from my home best for me?” I question him.
“You've been through a lot; you need some time away. Trust me when I say this is what’s best for you.” He sounds robotic.
“I’m not going.” I shake my head defiantly. “I’m eighteen, you can’t make me do anything.” I back away, and when I turn around, Mom is already at the door with her arms crossed.
“Come on, darling, let's not leave things on bad terms, you can visit during the break–”
“I’m not fucking going!” I scream at her, racing past her and through the kitchen so I can use the back door, knowing that the front gate will be locked. I sprint across the lawn toward the back gate I use to sneak out, and once I’m through it, my hands fumble to get my phone so I can call Dev. I need him to come and get me. I don’t care anymore if my parents find out about us. It’s time for me to be an adult now.
Dev doesn’t answer. I figure it’s because he’s riding, so I keep running till I get to the bottom of the walkway and out onto the street. Then I call the number of someone else who can help me, and thankfully, she answers on the second ring.
Ipark my bike outside St. Mary's, steadily taking the steps up to the entrance and wondering if I’ll burst into flames. The building is beautiful, one of the oldest in the city, or at least that’s what Corey told me. Just a few weeks ago, we helped fix the place up with a new kitchen so they could run a soup kitchen out of it.
The door creaks when I push it open, and thankfully, when I look inside, there ain’t no one here. Stepping through the door, I take a few steps up the aisle and slip into a pew, resting on my ass and wondering what I do now.
I can’t take back what I did, even if I could, I wouldn't want to. I was wrong about me and Millie. We do fit, we feel right together. Now I just have to find a way of coping with the guilt.
“Dev, isn’t it?” I look up when I hear a voice, and see the cheery woman who was in charge of the kitchen project smiling at me. “It’s good to see you came back.”
“Oh, I ain’t, um…I don’t belong here.” I laugh, getting back on my feet.
“Sit back down, son.” She stands at the end of the pew with her arms crossed. “Something brought you through those doors today. I can’t promise you much, but I can assure you that this is a place where you’ll always belong. You don’t have tobe a member…” She looks at the patch on the chest of my cut wisely. “... or a regular visitor; the Big Man always got a seat for someone who's in need.”
“I don't know why I came here, it’s stupid.” I pinch the bridge of my nose to try and hold in my emotions. I don’t deserve all the happiness I’m feelin’ right now, not when I think about the price that’s come with it.
“It may feel that way, but sometimes that's how He works.”
“You sayin’ God is stupid?” I look up at her and smile cleverly.
“He’s a man, ain’t He? He’s bound to cause us some confusion.” I huff a laugh at her and shake my head.
“I guess I came here because I feel like I need to explain myself to someone. I was hoping that my brother could hear me.” I laugh at how pathetic I must sound. “He died a month ago, and I’m not much of a believer, but I’ve kinda been holdin’ on to the hope that there's a Heaven ever since,” I admit.
“I see.” The woman nods her head knowingly as she sits beside me.
“I really need to explain something to him. Something I’ve done. I need him to understand me, and I need him to forgive me.”
“You know, you didn’t have to come here to do that; you can talk to your brother anytime you want.” She sits beside me and places her hand over mine. “What I believe is that those we love never leave us.”
“I just need him to understand. I need him to know that I’m sorry for everything.” My voice weakens as my tears break through.
“Look, honey, I don’t know what you did, and I never met your brother, but the fact you came here, looking for that forgiveness, proves how much he meant to you. If it were youwho had left this world and the people you loved behind, what would you want for them?” she asks.
“I’d want them to be safe and happy.” I think of all the things that I wanted for him. And what I want for her.
“Do you think your brother would want the same for you?”
“You don’t understand. I’m taking the most important thing he ever had for myself. I’m betraying him in the worst possible way, and I can’t stop because I think I’m in love with her,” I admit to this woman I barely know, what I can’t even admit to myself.
