“But if I’d–”
“If you’d done what?” he interrupts me. “Let him prospect? Welcomed him into the club, and put a gun in his fuckin’ hand? Do you honestly think things would have turned out differently? We risk our lives every fuckin’ day, Dev, and not just for the club, for each other. We’re all here because we need the same thing. We thrive on the violence. We need the fuckin’ mayhem.”
“That's not true, you don’t,” I point out. Saint is different from the rest of us; he doesn’t need to cause pain, he suffers enough of his own, being trapped in a shared body.
“But Sinner does, and somethin's gotta keep him at bay,” he tells me sadly. “Don’t do this alone, Dev.” He steps closer and takes the bag outta my hands. “Ride into that shipyard tomorrow alongside your brothers. Do what we live to do, and we can toast to tearing up all those motherfuckers when weallget back to the clubhouse.”
“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I wish Sinner was here.” I roll my eyes.
“Why?” Saint looks offended.
“Because, right now, he’d be sharpening that fuckin’ chainsaw.” I look over Saint's shoulder toward the stock cupboard, and he laughs. “Come on, let's head back to the club. You can tell me why the fuck you’ve given a bag full of cash to your brother’s ex-girlfriend, over a beer.”
“Strap ’em up, boys.” Raze hands out the bulletproof vests from the boxes that Burlusconi’s men just carried through and placed on the table.
“Where ya get these from?” Ruck asks, lifting one over his head and securing the velcro around his waist.
“Just a little gift from a friend I have at the ATF.” Burlusconi shrugs, sipping the espresso Polly made him and trying not to look offended by the way it tastes.
“Youhave a friend at the ATF?” Rocco chuckles, and Raze shakes his head, reminding him to zip it.
“I’ll bet it’s that chick that was screwing Jimmer,” one of the Nevada brothers pipes up, and Burlusconi doesn’t react to confirm or deny. He just watches as we strap up and arm ourselves, ready to storm the shipyard and make all of Quinnell’s men pay for what happened to Corey.
We don’t know for sure how many of ’em we’ll be up against; we also have no idea what they’ll be equipped with. For all we know, those containers could be piled high with weapons. It’s vital that we all have our heads in the game, but something is telling me Raze’s is somewhere else.
I wait until the boys have armed themselves and headed out to the barroom to say their goodbyes before shutting the door so I can speak with him alone.
“What's gettin’ to ya?” I ask him outright, glancing through the door and seeing that Burlusconi is talking with Dev by the bar. It’s not something I’m comfortable with, so I wait for Ruckus to catch my eye and alert him to be on watch.
“Nothin’s gettin’ to me.” Raze curls up his lip defensively.
“Bull shit, you haven’t been yourself for weeks now. Peyton’s spoken to Eden, and she’s real worried about you.”
“Really, Wrath, I’m about to lead an army of men into a fight, and you're coming at me with bitch talk?” He tries to laugh it off, but I see right through him.
“Yeah, I fuckin’ am, because as you keep reminding everyone here, we all need to be committed to what we're doing here. You're distant and, well… you just ain’t bein’ you.” I try putting it into words, but fail.
“Maybe I’m just being realistic; this is real fuckin’ life, Wrath. We’ve lost Griller, Saul, and now Corey…He was just a fuckin’ boy. You're leaving this compound today with a chance that you’ll never get to meet your kid,” he points out.
“Raze, whatever this is, you need to snap the fuck out of it.” His words make me feel fuckin’ sick, but I can’t let him see that. “We need a leader today.”
“You ever think that we’re selfish?” He stands up and looks outta the glass window to where the girls are all sitting together. Peyton keeps looking at the clock and biting her nails, while Eden looks at me reassuringly when she catches me watching.
“Every day,” I admit.
“What we put ’em through ain’t fair.” He smiles sadly when Peyton catches him looking and waves at him with a brave smile.
“It ain’t, but do you see an alternative? C’mon, Raze, they are our motivation. We wanna make this place safe for them, andtaking out these cunts today is one step closer to achieving that.” I watch him light up a cigarette and re-take his seat.
“I can’t give her what she wants.” He closes his eyes and grips the edge of the table till his knuckles turn white.
“What? What are you talking about? Raze, Peyton loves yo–”
“I know, and that’s what makes it all so fuckin’ destroying,” he laughs bitterly.
“Raze, you're gonna have to give me a fuckin’ clue here because you're not makin’ any sense.”
“A kid. She wants a kid. She’s got her heart fuckin’ set on it and I can’t give it to her.”
