“I’m sorry,” I tell him before he can start. “I know you must have been worried, but I also know that you’d never have let me go if I told you the truth.” I sit up and smile when he hands me a mug of hot chocolate.
“Hot chocolate used to be the cure for everything when you were younger.” He laughs sadly. “I don’t know how to cure this one for you, sweetheart.” He looks worn out, and I know it’s not just me who's the cause of it. Dad’s campaign to be senator has only just started, and I know he’s already sick of it. “This is such a lot for you to have to go through at your age. I understand why you're acting up. And I’m not worried about the campaign…I’m worried about you.”
“Daddy, I’m not acting up. I’m not trying to make you worry. I just want to be around the people who understand me. You and Mom may not think very highly of the club, but there are good people there.”
“I know, I’ve seen that over the past couple of months.” He nods his head in agreement. “I’ll even go as far as saying things have improved around here since that new leader of theirs took over. But that doesn’t mean I’m comfortable with my precious girl hanging around at their clubhouse.” He strokes his thumb over my cheek.
“Well, I won’t be hanging out there anymore. Corey’s brother told me I have to stay away,” I admit, leaving out the part where I got embarrassingly drunk and asked the man to kiss me.
“Sounds to me like Corey’s brother has your best interest at heart. We all do. Even your mother.” His eyebrows rise.
“I shouldn’t have struck out at her.” I shake my head, feeling disappointed in myself.
“She said some hurtful things, you know how she can be when she’s upset. I’ve called her doctor and he’s prescribed her something to keep her calm,” he assures me. “Now, I want to know what I can do for you.” He frowns with concern.
“There's nothing you can do for me. I’m just sad, Daddy.” I start to cry, and he quickly takes the mug from my hand, placing it on my bedside table so he can comfort me. “It’s okay to be sad, you’ve lost someone you love. It’s going to take a while.”
“I don’t want to ruin your campaign, or your reputation, but sometimes I wish I didn’t have all those expectations. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m not very good at being perfect.”
“Hey.” He pulls back and takes my face in his hands. “Youareperfect, and nothing matters more to me than you. Screw the campaign and what the neighbors think.”
“You better not let Mom hear you say that.” I manage a smile for him as I wipe away my tears.
“Your mom will be fine, she’s just worried about you. We both are.” He kisses my forehead before standing up. “I’ve told Rachel not to prepare anything for dinner tonight, I’m going to send Greg out to pick us up the biggest, dirtiest burger he can find.”
“Does Mom know about that, too?” I laugh.
“Sweetheart, come dinner time, your mom won’t know what planet she’s on.” He winks at me before he heads out the door and leaves me to finish my hot chocolate. I pick up my phone and start flicking through all the pictures I have of me and Corey together. We both looked so happy. Corey would do anything to make me laugh; he was so patient and understanding over thelack of intimacy I showed him. Why was that not enough for me? Why did I feel like I needed more?
“I’m sorry.” I stroke his face through my screen as more tears spill over my cheeks. There will always be a special place in my heart for Corey. What we had was so easy, it was comfortable and safe. What I feel for Dev is rough, rugged, and complicated, but I’m addicted to it, and despite all his warnings, I know there's no way I’ll be able to stay away for too long.
Two Days Later
“I’m done with waiting, we move in now, or I go in alone.” I arrive at the club and storm into Raze’s office, slamming my fist into his desk.
“Morning, Dev, it’s good to see you, too.” He grins up at me sarcastically, making me want to slam this same fist through his face.
“C’mon, Prez, d’ya not think I’ve been patient enough? I need Irish blood.” I clench my fists, desperate to feel something other than guilt and fuckin’ desperation. Since I dropped Millie off at her place two days ago, I’ve spent every second thinking about her. Of all the fuckin’ things I should have on my mind right now, she ain’t one of ‘em. Burlusconi’s men have been watching the shipyard, and it looks to them like Quinnell’s bolstering an army. We need to handle this situation right-the-fuck-now before that army outnumbers us.
“I appreciate that patience, Dev, but just like the Reapers situation, I have to think of the whole charter. This ain’t just about you and your vengeance, we’re dealing with some serious shit here. Burlusconi is convinced that Quinnell has links to the Russians, and if he’s right, we could be diving into some real hot water with this.”
I take the chair opposite him and lean my arms forward on my knees.
“Would you be sayin’ that if it had been someone you loved strung up on the compound gates?” I ask him straight. Flaring my nostrils and trying not to let all my hurt override my anger. I need that anger to keep me strong. Without it, I feel too weak to drag my ass outta bed in the morning.
“Are you questioning my leadership?” Raze lights himself a smoke and narrows his eyes on me.
“It was just a question, Prez.” I shrug.
I swear to God, if I don’t wet my hands with Irish blood soon, I’m gonna snap.
“Ya know, it’s not easy being the one who makes the decisions. I never asked for this role.”
“Then why take it?” I ask him.
“Because the man I respected most in the whole world asked me to, and because every man has to have faith in something. My faith has never been with God; it’s in this club, and I may have lost it for a little while, but I learned from my mistakes. Acting on impulse gets people killed, it ruins lives, and we have to live with those decisions, Dev. Sometimes that's worse than being the one who’s dead.” I lower my head when I understand exactly what he’s saying.
“I can’t have you against me on this. For us to fight off all the shit we got coming, we need to stand together. No more swipes at Burlusconi, or questioning my judgement. We are gonna take down Quinnell’s men. We’re gonna make ’em pay, and eliminate any threat to Long Beach that comes after ’em. I got half the Nevada charter on their way to boost our numbers. But we can’t forget how dangerous this is, the Irish deal firearms, they’re gonna be well equipped. I’m asking every man who storms into that shipyard to put his life on the line, and I won’t do that unless I’m sure we’re ready. We’ve lost too many.”
