Me: Nice try, bucko.
Zach: I’ll break you down eventually. I WILL be the winner of this battle.
Me: Yeah, yeah, I’ll believe it when I see it.
Zach: I’m sending you a picture. It is NOT a dick pick. Also, DO NOT FUCKING JUDGE ME. Okay?
Me: First, thank you for not sending me pictures of your wiener. I appreciate it. Second, we’ll see. Third, IT IS SIX AM ON A SUNDAY. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? GO TO SLEEP.
Zach: Oh shit! Did I wake you?
Me: No. Yes…but also no. I can’t sleep.
Zach: Well you’re going to be UP after you see this. ;-)
Me: Did you just try to make a boner joke and forget I can’t get boners because I HAVE A VAGINA?
Zach: It’s early. Stop judging me!
Zach: You ready?
Me: As I’ll ever be.
Zach: DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENT
Me: WHERE IN THE HELL DID YOU FIND THAT?!
Zach: The flea market. They sell them there.
Me: YOU BOUGHT ME A SMILING BABY GOAT?
Zach: No, I bought ME a smiling baby goat.
Me: So…you bought me one?
Zach: Goaty is MINE.
Me: I just spit my coffee all over the kitchen. You named your goat GOATY? That’s dumb. We’re changing that.
Zach: Can you come up with something better?
Me: Literally anything is better than Goaty.
Me: Casper?
Me: Nah. Vanilla Swirl.
Me: NO WAIT! MARSHMALLOW!
Zach: Are you hungry?
Me: Starving. I’m about to cook breakfast.
Zach: Explains the food-themed names. Though I do like Marshmallow…hmm…
Me: It’s the PERFECT name. We can even buy a dark brown one and a tan one and name them Graham Cracker and Milk Chocolate.
Zach: Did you just create a s’more out of my future goats?
