Me: Omg, Zach. You can’t just ask someone if they drowned in yarn. Did your mother not teach you any manners?
Zach: We didn’t get that far…
Me: Oh.
Zach: Hi, I’m Zach, I’m a mood killer.
Me: Hi, Zach. Thanks for being so forthcoming with that information AFTER you begged me to be your texting best friend.
Zach: So, what did you knit me?
Me: DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENT
Zach: ARE THOSE PENIS POTHOLDERS!
Zach: You dirty, dirty girl.
Zach: I am laughing so fucking hard right now. Thank you for that.
Me: You likey?
Zach: I likey.
Me: I’ll think of you every single time I use them.
Zach: You’re too kind. They’re a wonderful gift I doubt I’ll ever receive.
Me: Hey, Zach?
Zach: Yes?
Me: I…I didn’t mean to bring up your mom. I had no idea.
Zach: Don’t sweat it. You’re still my favorite penis potholder maker…this week.
Me: Is there anything else I should know about you? Any other subjects that are off the table?
Zach: I hate clowns and bunnies. That’s about it.
Me: I’m sorry…BUNNIES?! How is that possible?
Zach: Don’t judge me. I’m sure there’s something weird out there that you’re afraid of.
Me: I can’t think of anything like that. Mine is just normal stuff, like spiders and snakes and volcanoes.
Zach: Volcanoes…but those are part of nature.
Me: So are bunnies!
Me: Also, have you seen Dante’s Peak? *shudders*
Zach: That movie isn’t even kind of scary!
Me: YES IT IS!
Me: Fine. What kind of movies scare you?
Zach: Normal ones, like Alice in Wonderland, Zootopia (BUNNIES), and Pinocchio. And Trolls.
