“You scared me.”
I lean my forehead against hers and grimace. “I’m sorry, Hales. I’m so fucking sorry.”
“You couldn’t breathe, you wouldn’t slow down, and wouldn’t listen to anything. You plowed over some stranger on the street, were almost hit by three different cars, and yet you still kept going. I couldn’t stop you.”
“I’m sorry,” I repeat. “I-I’m okay now.”
“What happened?”
“I did, Hales. I happened.” Her brows draw together in confusion and I kiss away the crease they create, hoping this won’t be the last kiss we share. “That car accident? It was my parents. They were on their way to the station to pick me up.”
“Oh, Gaige.”
“This…” I gulp. “This is where they died.”
“Gaige…”
“I fucked up, Hales. Big time. I fucked it up for everyone. For them. For me. For her. This was all my fault. It was my burden to carry and I handed it off to someone else.” In a fit of sorrow, I slap my hands against my head, trying to whack out the images burning into my mind, trying to drive out the guilt.
Stupid, stupid, stupid!
“Stop it! Stop it! Please!” Her hands come around me, pinning my arms down before I can try to hit myself again. I’ve never lost physical control before. All my panic attacks and anxiety issues have always been internal; I’ve never acted out in a volatile manner.
This, tonight, it’s different. Tonight, I turned into the same monster that walked away, a man I haven’t been in years.
Tonight, I vow to change.
More choked sobs fill the night air.
And they’re not coming from Haley.
“How are you?”
“In pain.”
“Physically?”
“Worse—emotionally.”
“But you’ll be okay?”
“Someday, Hales. Someday.”
It takes well over an hour for me to fully calm down, for me to be able to breathe again without hiccupping. To be able to open my eyes and not want to claw them out.
To start forgiving myself.
For the first time since that night, I cried over my parents. I cried over my stupidity. I cried over how unfair and mean and ugly I was to them. I cried for myself and what I lost, for my actions, for my reactions, and for what my life once was.
And it felt good.
It was healing, in a way. I think I needed it. I’ve been closed off on so many emotional levels since I was sixteen, and that’s been unfair to not only everyone else, but to myself.
It’s starting to become clear just how much I’ve missed out on. I missed out on being a kid all those years ago. I missed out on being there for my family, and I sure as hell missed out on being a good son.
Life dealt me a hand, and I played it like a fool.
I don’t know if Haley being here fueled my breakdown, but knowing she was right there with me through the whole ordeal kept me grounded so I didn’t completely lose my shit. She hugged me, trying to fit the pieces back together, and I needed it more than she could ever know.
