I never did see Melanie again, which shouldn’t have come as a surprise, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed.
I had hoped to catch one more glimpse of her smile, maybe do something to make her blush or laugh again, if only to commit another moment to my memory, to add it to the short list of good things to ever happen in my life. But it wasn’t in the cards, and that had to be fine. She wasn’t mine to see or mine to want, but nothing could stop me from thinking about her, and I did.
I thought about her often.
I thought about Laura too. Of course I did. But she wasn’t mine either.
Nobody was.
And in some ways, that made my life easier.
I was free. Free to look at, think about, and touch other women … and that was exactly what I did.
As soon as I was deployed again, I hooked up with one of the women on base. And I did it again with another,and another, and another, until sex was nothing more than a business transaction between colleagues. No emotions. No jealousy. No petty moments of longing and attachment. It was a means to an end, it wassimple, and there was nothing more to it than that.
But at night, if I was given the opportunity to sleep between missions, I realized how utterly and painfully alone I was in this world full of people who seemed to all have someone. Everyone but me.
I had no obligations to anyone back at home. Nobody relying on me. My sisters both had boyfriends. Grace was with a guy I’d never met, named Tom. Lucy was still with Ricky, and although I’d since made reluctant peace with their relationship, Ricky’s and my friendship had yet to fall back into what it used to be.
Occasionally, he’d write me a letter, or we’d exchange a few civil words whenever I called Lucy. He’d give me the update on how things were with him, how he’d started community college, how he was working toward … something, even if he didn’t know what. Once in a while, he’d throw in a little tidbit about Laura, if he had any to give, and although I insisted I didn’t care, we both knew I did. And then I’d tell him I was doing fine, things were the same as they had been for years, and that would be the extent of it.
I supposed that maybe, one day, we could rebuild our friendship back to what it’d been before …
Or maybe not. Maybe I didn’t want to. Maybe we were better off, in the event he and Lucy broke up. That would make things awkward as hell, if I was once againbest buds with the guy who had taken my little sister’s virginity and then broken her heart.
Honestly, in that case, I’d probably just kill him.
Then there were my parents, who seemed to care about me less at twenty-nine than they ever had before.
I couldn’t remember the last time I’d truly spoken with my mother, let alone seen her, and my father only acknowledged me with a bitter chill if I ever bothered to stop by their house. And why did I even bother to do so at all? Why couldn’t I stop forcing myself into their domain? I was like an addict, always looking for the next fix. Except the fix in this situation was just a glimmer of approval from my father. Anything to fill the void in my hollow chest.
But … no, I had nobody. I had nothing but meaningless sex, my friendship with Sid, and the loyalty of my squad. And maybe that would seem like a lot to someone who truly, truly hadnothing, but I was, at the very root of my being, empty.
Now, sitting with his back against mine at our base, Sid glanced over his shoulder and asked, “Can I ask you a lame fuckin’ question?”
“I don’t want to answer lame fuckin’ questions,” I grumbled. “I want totryand sleep for a minute.”
“Come on, man. Just one question.”
I didn’t bother to stifle my groan. I didn’t have to with Sid. “Fucking hell. Fine. What’s up?”
“Have you ever been in love?”
“Christ.” I huffed a bitter laugh. We spent so much time with each other nowadays; it was like we could read each other’s mind. “I don’t know, Sid. Go to sleep …”
“No, I’m being serious, man. I’m just … I’m just thinking, you know? We’re both pushin’ thirty here, right? No girlfriends, no wives, no kids. We’re free to do whatever the hell we want, with whoever … but is that really beingfree? Like, what kind of fuckin’ life is that?”
Sid had a habit of getting philosophical with me whenever we were about to head out into the battle zone. Maybe it was his way of telling me that, deep down, beneath all the training and his tough-guy act, he was scared of what awaited us out there … but weren’t we all, to some degree?
I deflated with a rueful sigh. “I loved Laura,” I confessed with a heavy feeling in my chest, giving in to his chatter the way I always did. “And …” My voice trailed off before I could say anything more, stopping myself before I could bring up that night in Connecticut so many years ago. I’d never told anyone about dinner with Melanie, how she had made me feel, the connection we had. It didn’t seem smart to start now.
“And?” Sid teased, nudging his elbow against my back.
I rolled my eyes toward the ceiling and sighed, relenting easily. “Remember that time I fucked up my truck in Connecticut?”
“Uh-huh.”
“I met this woman …”
