“After what?”
I took a sip, remembering that cold, cold night. The waves crashing against the rocks below. “I had driven out to the bridge. The one over here.” I pointed in the direction. “And I was standing there, ready to climb over the rail and jump.”
His expression changed from confusion to betrayal as he sat up straight, ready to move. Like he expected forme to jump right now, this second. “What the hell are you—"
“You have no idea how badly I wanted to fucking die, Sid,” I said, my voice hoarse. “And then, with the shit my dad was saying … I just kept thinking,What the fuck is the point?There just wasn’t a reason to keep on living anymore. But then, just like that, out of nowhere, Laura was there. Like an angel. She stopped me from jumping and took me home.”
The anger left his eyes as he stared. “She saved you.”
“Yeah,” I replied, nodding. “So, no, I’m not going to kill myself. And it’s not because I don’t want to die. I fucking do. I’ve never wanted something so badly in my life. I want to be wherever the fuck she is instead of being here, left behind. But I won’t do it because shesaved me, and I keep thinking,She would be so fucking pissed if she spent all that time, pulling my ass away from that bridge, just for me to throw myself over it anyway. She’d be so pissed if she was the reason for it.”
“Yeah,” Sid replied, nodding. “She would be.”
“And I dunno,” I said, shaking my head and sucking in a deep breath. “I keep thinking,What if there’s a reason I’m still here?Every fucking time I could’ve died, something has stopped it from happening. I mean, unless the reason is just to torture me for all of eternity, which, I mean, I guess it’s possible, but—"
“Nah, man. I’m with you. Everything happens for a reason—I believe that. Even if you can’t possibly understand what the reason might be.”
“There can’t be any reason good enough for her not being here,” I said. “But there’s a reason I still am. I feel it.”
Then I stood up, collected the food from the coffee table, and headed toward the kitchen. Sid followed with the soda bottles.
“Well, until you figure it out, maybe we should do something to keep that brain of yours busy,” he suggested. “Like, maybe you should get a dog or something.”
I nodded thoughtfully. Lizzie and Jane had always wanted to get a dog, and I had told them we’d get one. I had told them about Smoky, sparing them the story of his tragic end.
His was the first life I’d helped to end.
But maybe I could do better. Maybe I could be better.
Maybe, for her, I could.
“Yeah,” I muttered, setting the food on the table. “Maybe it’s time I get a dog.”
