“Lookat you, baby boy!” I exclaimed, reaching in to pick him up.
Debbiewrapped an arm around my shoulders. “One less tube to worry about,” she saidwith a grin. “And soon, he won’t have any.”
Ilooked to her with widened eyes and asked, “Really? You think it’ll be soon?”
Shenodded. “Oh, yeah. The oxygen was the last thing we were really waiting on withhim. Now, he just needs to pass his car seat test, and he’s good to go.”
Icouldn’t quite explain it but in that moment, a rush of panic swept over me andnearly set me off balance. Our time in the hospital had felt so long anddragged out, that I’d foolishly thought of it as endless. It wasn’t even thatlong ago that I had laid in a hospital bed, asking Elle if hewasgoing to die, and feeling so certain that he would, evenwhile she assured me that he would be fine. Now, the reality of him finallycoming home was closing in on me, and while I knew I should’ve been excited, Ifound that I wasn’t.
Andit wasn’t because I didn’t want him to be with me, or that I didn’t want to behis full-time caregiver—his mom. It was strictly because I couldn’t imagine mydays, my nights, my life without these women, my superheroes. I didn’t want toimagine it. At the thought of going a day without seeing them, my eyes welledup and I held Alex close to me, assuring him it would be all right, while notcertain I was sure myself.
***
Iclawed at Goose’s back at the very moment of penetration. With my head tippedback and my body arched to press my aching breasts to his bare chest, I chantedincoherent obscenities toward the ceiling, making him chuckle in my ear.
“I’mso glad it’s gotten better for you,” he muttered, his lips brushing thesensitive flesh of my neck.
Purringlike the cat on the floor, I nodded. “You and me both.”
Hewas always adamant on pleasing me first, and within minutes, I was groaningloudly, begging him breathlessly for more. I called his name, his real name,and that alone was enough to tip him over the edge.
“Holyshit,” he murmured, slowly climbing down from his climax. “My name has neversounded hotter.”
“Youdohave a hot name,” I assured him. “And there’s no way I could screamGoose during sex. Nevergonnahappen.”
“Youwon’t be screaming anything pretty soon,” he jabbed playfully, pulling me tohis side and nuzzling his chin against my shoulder. “Once Alex is home, wewon’t be having sex for a long, long time.”
“Oh,stop,” I grumbled, swatting his chest.
“No,seriously,” he laughed. “My friends, Vinnie and Andy? Since their son was born,they hardly get two seconds to do anything without him, and if they do, they’retoo tired to get it on.”
“I’msure it won’t bethatbad,” I said, pouting.
“You’llsee.Everythingisgonnachange once he’souttathere.”
Iknew that it was true and that my life was going to change so drastically, itwould be nearly unrecognizable to my past self. Part of me was looking forwardto it. I wanted Alex to invade my space and change everything forever. I wantedhim to turn everything upside down and cry all night and smear poop on thewalls. Because as much as I dreaded those endless, sleepless nights, I was moregrateful just to be able to have them at all.
Butanother part of me was mourning.
Imourned the loss of my time with him in my belly. I mourned the coveted birth,the way things were supposed to be, the months I didn’t have him with me allthe time. And I mourned the loss of the NICU and the nurses that came with it.
“I’mgoing to miss them,” I whispered to Goose, rubbing my cheek to his chest.
“Who?”
“TheNICU nurses. I want him home so badly, but I hate that bringing him home meansnot seeing them.”
“I’msure you can still see them,” he insisted.
“Maybe,but it won’t be the same.”
Henodded. “Nothing will be the same again. That doesn’t make it bad or worse, itjust makes it different. You’ll settle into the new normal, just like yousettled into this one, and it’sgonnabe fine.”
“Yeah,”I sighed, “I know. I just wish it didn’t all have to be so damn hard.”
“Everythingis hard,” he replied. “But you wouldn’t appreciate the good shit if it wasn’t.”
Chapter Thirty-Seven
