Mymind disappeared inside my thoughts as I stared into the bubbles in my soda.Goose’s fingers brushed my thigh, and I was yanked from the lonely abyss, tostare into his eyes.
“Youokay?”
Ihesitated before nodding. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
Momglanced at Dad and then asked, “So, we didn’t want to say anything about this,but have you heard from Brendan at all?”
Myfists clenched beneath the table at the mention of his name, angry that theywould even bring him up on a day that should’ve been happy and without drama.“No. Why? Have you?” My voice was unraveled and shrill, like I was on the brinkof losing it at any second.
Hell,maybe I would.
Sheshook her head rapidly. “Oh! No, no. It’s just, we haven’t talked much with youlately, and we were wondering if he had reached out to you since you, uh, sawhim.”
Sincehe ran out on us, is what I knew she wanted to say, as I replied, “No, hehasn’t said a word to me.”
“Good,”Dad grumbled, and Goose raised his glass of water and grumbled back, “I’lldrink to that.”
Butwas it good? Was it good that the father of my child could so easily walk awayand in the middle of a crisis? Sure, it was better than being dragged to courtin a custody battle—God knows that’s the last thing I needed—but how sad was itthat he had no desire to know his own son?
No,I didn’t think it was good. Iactually thoughtit washeartbreaking. But it was a heartbreak I decided to keep to myself.
“Havethey talked at all about when Alex can come home?” Mom asked. Yet anotherquestion I had grown to hate.
“Notreally,” I muttered, poking at my chicken parmesan.
“Well,they said sometime around his due date, right? That’s in a couple weeks.”
“Yeah,but there’s so much involved, Mom. They don’t know if they’regonnawean him off the oxygen yet, and he’s just barelystarted taking his bottles. And we’ve seen how quickly things can backpedal,like with the CPAP. We just have to take it one day at a time.”
“Well,in any case, hopefully, it’ll be soon,” Dad concluded, smiling across thetable. “And then, you can come back home, too.”
***
“So,you’re moving back to your parents’ place?” Goose asked, as we entered myapartment.
Lunchhad been followed by a walk around The American Museum of Natural History, andwhile we took in the exhibits, Goose hadn’t spoken a word about what my fatherhad said earlier. I had hoped it would be swept under the rug to be dealt withanother day, because truthfully, I still wasn’t sure what I was doing andwasn’t in any position to think about it. But now, there he was, getting readyto grill me as soon as the door was closed behind us.
“Idon’t know yet.”
“Okay,that’s fine, and I don’t blame you for considering it. Hell, I wouldn’t evenblame you if you decided to. But I just would’ve thought that you’d mentionsomething to me.”
“Iknow, I’m sorry,” I replied, as I got the breast pump set up. “I just didn’twant to get into it when I wasn’t sure what I was doing.”
“There’snothing to get into, though. Just a heads up would’ve been nice.”
Hookingmyself up and turning the machine on, I looked at him incredulously and said,“So, you’re telling me you’d have no issue with me moving back to my parents’place.”
“Well,yeah. Why would I have a problem with that?”
Ilaughed. “You are so full of shit.”
Hechuckled, sitting in front of me on the coffee table. “Hey, I’m not saying I’dbehappyabout it. But yougottado what’sright for you and Alex, and if being with your parents is the best thing, thenI’mgonnaback you up.”
“Wouldwe …” I didn’t want to ask the question that weighed heavily on my tongue, butI didn’t have a choice. So, I asked, “Would we be over?”
Therewasn’t a second of hesitation as he shook his head. “Hell no. I don’t give upthat easily. I mean, don’t get me wrong. It would suck. But we’d work it out.”
Ikept that moment replaying in my mind as I finished pumping and got Alex’sminuscule amount of milk together. I continued to think about it, as I headedto the hospital and went up to the Mom and Baby ward and down to the NICU. Allbecause I couldn’t stop from feeling so lucky, despite how unlucky I’d been.
