“Sure,it does. I mean, to be honest, I’m surprised you’re handling things as well asyou are, considering what you’ve gone through. Hell, just what youcontinueto go through. It’s a lot for one person to handle.”
“Yeah,”I whispered, dropping my eyes to the ice cream and the plastic spoon in myhand. “It is.”
Then,with a strong bout of curiosity, I asked, “Um, do you ... have it, too?”
Hiseyes narrowed to curious slits and he cocked his head. “PTSD?”
Ifaltered in my nod, and he pressed his lips together like he didn’t know how totell me to fuck right off. And if he had, I wouldn’t have blamed him. I shouldnever have asked such a personal, invasive question, regardless of who he wasto me.
“I’msorry,” I said hurriedly. “I shouldn’t have—”
Buthe wouldn’t let me continue, as he held up a finger to me and called into thekitchen, “Hey, Marco! I’mheadin’ out, man. I’ll seeyou tomorrow.” Then, he grabbed his jacket from behind the bar and said, “Grabyour ice cream, girlfriend. We’regettin’ out ofhere.”
***
“Okay,”he said, sitting us down at the table with some tacos and a couple of waterbottles. “So,first of all, I fuckin’ hate it whenpeople feel intimidated by my past. It’s a big reason why I don’t talk aboutit.”
“ButI’m not—”
“Yeah,but really, you are. You thought your problems right now don’t hold afreakin’ candle to what I went through back then, and so,you’ve chosen not to talk to me about them.”
“Idotalk to you about them,” I said, which wasn’t entirely a lie. I hadpreviously mentioned things. But it was true that I’d rarely brushed thesurface of what was going on, and it was also true that a big part of that wasthe fact that it all felt so trivial. This man had seen death. He’d witnessedthe slaughter of his friends, had done unspeakable things in the name of war,and was now permanently branded with a reminder of the past. How could myexperience with pregnancy andchild birtheven compareto that?
“Listen,I can’t make you tell me everything, and if you really don’t want to forwhatever reason, that’s your choice to make. I understand it. But I don’t wantit to be because you think it comes down to some sort of pissing contest. Youcan only imagine the shit I’ve seen, but that street goes both ways. I don’tknow what this is like for you, and I can’t even pretend. So, when you tell meyou’re going through somereally hardstuff, I’mgonnatake it seriously. Because I understand better thanmost people how scary the ghosts of the past can be. Okay?”
Idon’t deserve him, was the first thought that came to mind as Inodded. “Okay.”
“Cool.”He sat back and grabbed his bottle of water. “So, you wanted to know if I havePTSD.”
“Yes,”I answered, nodding.
“Ido,” he replied.
Itdidn’t surprise me. Anybody who had lived through that would have to suffer insome way mentally. But what did surprise me was, how well he seemingly carriedhimself now. It gave me hope that there could be a light at the end of thistunnel, and so, I asked, “What is it like for you? How do you … how do you dealwith it?”
Hepursed his lips and looked toward the wall, like he was considering if heshould answer or not, and I silently berated myself for even asking.
“Ifyou don’t want to tell me—”
Heshook his head, as he uncapped the bottle and took a drink. “No, I want to.Really, Ihave to. Because that’skindawhat being in a relationship with someone isabout—knowingeach other’s demons and how to fight them together. Krystal and I didn’t workout because I didn’t know how to face it. And Tracey and I didn’t work outbecause—” He cocked his head and laughed. “Well, we didn’t work out because ofyou, actually, but we would’ve broken up eventually anyway because she … shewas too focused on herself.”
Itwas funny to me, that a woman who spent her life channeling spirits to help othersmake peace, could be so self-centered. And while I didn’t stop him to clarify,I wondered if maybe that was out of necessity. That perhaps she had to beselfish with her personal time because, otherwise, she would have none.
“Anyway,”he went on, shifting in his chair and rubbing his thumbnail against his bottomlip, “I’m lucky in that it hasn’t been completely detrimental to my life. Someguys, they comebackand they can’t even function. Itwas like that for me at first, before I had the bar to focus on. And I thinkpart of it was that I never really had the time to process things, you know? Iwent right from the hospital, to coming home to getting married, and thenKrysgot pregnant. It … it was a lot to handle all at once,but I wasn’t really handling any of it. I was just taking one big thing, thenadding another and another, when really, I should’ve just taken time to focuson healing.”
“Sometimesyou don’t have a choice though,” I said quietly, staring at the untouched foodand water in front of me. “Life just goes on, regardless of how you feel.”
“No,that’s true. You’re right about that,” he replied, before sighing and runninghis fingers through his hair. “Um, so …”
Hecleared his throat as he fidgeted in his seat, and I knew he was about to delveinto the truth about his own mind. I braced myself, not sure I was ready tohear it, whatever it was, but I wanted to know. I wanted to know everythingabout him, and I realized, I wanted him to know everything about me.
“Itcomes and goes,” he said. “During the day, at work, I can keep myself busy. Ican focus onpourin’ drinks and hating on LynyrdSkynyrd. It’s predictable and it’s comfortable. Home is the same way, and Ihave Tony to keep me focused on something other than the shit in mind.”
Hereached down beside his chair and said, “Right, Tone? You and me, we’re bestbuds, right?”
Then,as he continued to pet his dog, he looked back to me and said, “But wheneverything goes quiet, it’s like I never left that street. I can hear themscreaming and feel the sun on my skin and taste the sand and sweat in my mouth.I relive those moments over andover and over again,”he chanted, smacking the table with every word, “like it’s fuckin’ GroundhogDay. And it takes everything in me to remember that I’m not bleeding to deathin the middle of the desert.”
Exhalingand scraping my teeth over my bottom lip, I nodded and said, “I panickedearlier, when I heard Alex’s machines beeping. I can’t stand listening tothem.”
