“Nope!”Debbie said, coming to stand beside me. Shelooked intohis bed, smiling right along with me, as though she were looking in on her ownchild and not just another patient. “We put him on the CPAP this morning as atrial run. He’s doingpretty wellon it, too. We’vebeen watching him really closely and it looks like this might be for good, butwe’ll see.”
Duringour time in the NICU, I had learned that so much went on trial and error. Likeanything in the medical world, sometimes you didn’t know if something wouldwork until you tried. In some cases, they found out after trying that theyneeded to take a few steps back, and I hoped that wouldn’t be the case inAlexander’s situation.
“Fingerscrossed,” I replied, opening the door to hisisoletteand taking his hand.
Surroundedby the working nurses and beeping machines, I enjoyed the simplicity of holdinghis hand and looking at his beautiful face, when Debbie came close to my sideand asked if I’d like to hold him. It was a moment I had been waiting a longtime for, but it had been so many weeks since he wasbornand I was beginning to foolishly believe it would never happen. But now, withthe opportunity presented to me, I nodded eagerly as my bottom lip trembled.
Debbieset me up in a chair, then went through the seemingly difficult task ofrearranging his tubes and wires. She instructed me to open my sweatshirt, andbefore I knew it, my baby was tucked into my tank top, nestled between mybreasts and against my heart. I shuddered with a sob at the feel of his skinagainst mine, and I couldn’t imagine a better way to spend an afternoon.
***
“Guesswhat!”
“Youfigured out how to make them stop playing this fucking song?” Goose asked,flashing me a pair of hopeful, blue eyes.
Ishook my head sorrowfully, as I slid onto a barstool. “Only way that’sgonnahappen is if you get rid of it.”
“Andget rid of my customers?” He scoffed and rolled his eyes. “Think again,girlfriend.”
“Okay,what’s your next guess?”
“You’rein the mood for a basket of wings and a particular pink mocktail?”
Ipursed my lips and feigned deep thought, tapping a finger to my chin, beforesaying, “Yes. But make that a cocktail.”
“Woah!What’s the occasion?” he exclaimed, folding his arms over the bar across fromme.
“Well,rumor has it, a certain baby is off the ventilator.” I couldn’t say it withoutgrinning and tearing up.
Gooseslapped a hand against the bar, drawing the attention of a few customers. “Holyshit! You just made myfreakin’ day.”
“Iwas so unbelievably happy,” I told him, taking out my phone to show him the fewpictures I took. “Like, I can finally see his little face. Look at how adorablehe is!”
Hetook the phone from me and grinned adoringly at the pictures of my little boy.“What a beautiful kid he is,” he said, handing it back to me. “That’s suchfantastic news.”
“And,” I continued quietly, as my heart began to dancehappily in my chest, “I finally got to hold him.”
Hiseyes softened and his head cocked, as he said, “I’m so happy for you, Kenny.Seriously. That’s amazing.”
Inodded, swiping quickly at a tear before it could slip down my cheek. “It feltlike the first really good thing to happen in weeks,” I admitted. “I mean, Iknow he’s gaining weight and getting better every day, but this was such a hugestep forward, and … I don’t know. I’m just so happy.”
“Andfor that, you deserve one fancy fuckin’ cocktail,” Goose said gently, with aheartwarming grin.
Iwatched as he put together the drink, my first since before finding out I waspregnant, and I began to wonder something I hadn’t thought about before.
“Hey,”I said, leaning further over the counter. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Anything.”
“Yousaid you were an alcoholic.”
Henodded. “Yes, ma’am.”
“Then,how do you own a bar?”
“Byhaving a whole lotta self-control.”
Inarrowed my eyes at his answer and shook my head. “That really doesn’t soundhealthy.”
