“Ihave to tell you something,” I said, sitting at the edge of my seat.
“Okay,”he drawled. “What's up?”
“Actually,um, maybe I should show you something first.”
Ididn't wait for his reply before digging into my purse and pulling out thepregnancy test. I had never removed it after the doctor’s appointment and now Ithought—hoped—it would affect Brendan's reaction in a positive way.
Withoutanother thought, I slid the pink stick across the table and watched his face.
Hisblank, stone-like face.
“Whatthe hell is this?” he finally asked, looking back at me with a furrowed browand an angry downturn of his lips.
“It'sa p-pregnan—”
“You'refuckin' kidding me, right?”
Mynostrils burned with the threat of tears. “No. I-I realized my period was—”
“Isit mine?”
Myjaw dropped at the insinuation. “Excuseme?”
Brendanclapped a hand over his eyes and shook his head. “Fuck. I'm sorry. I shouldn'thave asked that.But,” he dropped his hand, revealinghis confused and apologetic eyes, “are you really serious right now? You’re …you’repregnant?”
Inodded. “I had it confirmed by the doctor yesterday.”
“Jee-sus,” he drawled, leaning against his seat. “I mean,shit, how did this even happen?”
Ishrugged, feeling oddly relaxed. “I don't know. But it did.”
“Areyou going to keep it?”
Aftersleeping on it the night before, it was the question I'd been asking myself allday. The options were clear and clean cut, either keep it or not. And if I hadto do it all over again, I knew I'd tell my past self to not get pregnant atall. But I couldn't go back, this was the reality I was facing, and I knewthere was no way I could terminate. I just couldn't stomach the thought of it.
So,after a few moments went by, I barely nodded and said, “I want to, yeah.”
Brendanexhibited his displeasure with a scoff and a shake of his head. “And was I evergoing to get a say in this?”
“Youcan have a say,” I told him, keeping my tone calm while beginningtointernally panic. “But ultimately, this is my body we'retalking about here, and I don't want to go through an abortion. I've thoughtabout it and I just can't do it.”
“Yeah,it'syourbody,” he retorted hotly, “but it'sbothof our lives.”
“So,are you saying you don't want kids?”
Pullingin a deep breath, he shrugged, keeping his eyes on the table. “I don't knowwhat I want. Honestly, I never saw myself being a father, so ...” He hesitated,lifting his shoulders in another shrug. “No, I guess I don't particularly wantkids.”
Thatmorning, as I had showered, I’d gone through every possible way thisconversation could have gone. While I had considered that he might tell me hedidn't want kids at all, I had just as quickly pushed that idea from my head.Because while Brendan wasn't always the best boyfriend, or friend even, I knewhe was always great with children. I'd seen him with his brother's two boys andwith my cousin’s kids, and he was a saint with all of them. So, I guess I hadjust thought he'd be happy, knowing he was now going to be a father himself.
“Idon't know what to say,” I whispered.
“Well,I guess I can't talk you into aborting, so ...” He shrugged, diverting hiseyesand staring toward the waitress.
“Whatif,” I took a deep, cleansing breath, “what if you slept on it for a day ortwo? Think about it before you make any rash decisions.”
“Idon't need to think—”
“Please?”
