Helaughed. “Isn't that what I said?”
“But...” I dropped my hands to my lap. “Why?”
Itwas the wrong thing to say. I knew that the second that little word was out ofmy mouth. But I couldn't help that it was unexpected, or that I wanted to knowwhy he suddenly wanted to take this enormous step, when just two weeks ago, hedidn't even want to spend Christmas with me.
Brendanreeled back and gawked at me. “Why?” he repeated, incredulous.
“Well,I mean, it's just that, I was never really sure where we were headed, and—”
“Wherewe wereheaded? Kendall, we're having a fuckingbaby, for Christ’s sake!”
Theway he said it—fucking baby—made me wince, as if he’d just slapped meacross the face. “I know that, but I just ...” I sighed, thrusting my fingersinto my hair. “I don't know. I don't know how to put it into words.”
Itwas a lie, but I couldn't say what I truly felt, or what I was truly wondering.Not without losing him entirely and putting my child’s future at risk. Icouldn't be sure what he'd do, or what sort of custody battle he'd put methrough. And why it had never occurred to me before that Iwasscared ofhim, I have no idea, but I was. I wasactuallyscared, and I knew how terrible that was, while also not knowing how tofix it.
Brendanhuffed an agitated sigh. “Then, we'll just say you're hormonal and don't knowwhat you're saying.”
Swallowingat the instantaneous desire to wrap my hands around his neck, I forced a smileand wondered how he could be so handsome and sexy one second and such achauvinistic asshole the next.
“Justthink about it, okay?” He leaned forward and kissed my cheek. “You know, if youcan handle it, with all those hormones in your head going crazy.”
***
I tookmy time walking to Goose's bar. It was chilly and the wind bit angrily at mynose and ears, but the cold didn't bother me.
Itwas the decision I now needed to make, whether I should leave my apartment ornot. Did I really think I could live with Brendan? It felt right for the baby,to have both of his or her parents living under the same roof. But how healthyof a living arrangement would that really be? Our hot-and-cold dynamiccertainly wasn't healthy, and despite our efforts, it didn't seem to be gettingany better, even for the sake of the baby. I considered that maybe things wouldimprove if we were together full-time, but what if they didn’t?
WhenI reached The Thirsty Goose, I noticed the tall Viking right away as he wasslinging drinks behind the bar. He waved the moment he saw me and headed for thekitchen to grab my wings.
Traceywas there, too, with her laptop. She smiled at me with the eyes of someone whoknew too much about everything and everyone. I wondered what she knew about meand if she could tell that I had thought about her boyfriend while having sexon the couch with mine, and with that reminder, I turned my eyes from hers.
“Hey,”she greeted. “How are you feeling?”
“Awful,”I laughed, instinctively laying a hand over my stomach.
“Howfar along are you now?”
“Nineteenweeks.”
“Ah,”she nodded slowly, keeping her eyes on me, “it'll get worse before it getsbetter. But you're going to be okay.”
Ibegan to open my mouth to reply when Goose returned with my order. He grinnedand I tried to keep my cheeks from flushing and my heart from racing, but itwas useless.
WhenI handed him the cash, he shook his head. “I don't want your money,” he said,waving it away.
“It'snot mine,” I chided. “It's Brendan's.”
“Oh,well!” He snatched the money away, grasping it tightly in his hand. “That's a differentstory!”
Laughing,I rolled my eyes and turned from the bar. “I'll see you later. It was niceseeing you again, Tracey.”
“You,too,” she said. “Oh! And Kenny?”
“Yeah?”
“You'regoing to say yes. To make things easier right now.”
Iknew she was a psychic medium. I understand that she knew things that the restof us don’t, but this was the first time I’d been on the receiving end of areading and it left me stunned and shaking. I couldn't even reply in a coherentsentence, so I just smiled and offered a little wave before hurrying out andwalking home.
