Everyday, after I got out of work, I went home to her and cut a couple of lines forus. It wasn't good and it wasn't healthy, but I’d convinced myself after a fewdays, that at least it was contained. I was holding the reins and the control,and I figured, as long as I could hold onto that, things couldn't get too outof hand.
Itried not to consider how that was just another lie I was telling myself.
OneFriday night, after getting home from work and getting high, I rolled out ofbed in a just-fucked stupor and grabbed my overnight bag.
“Shit,”I groaned, opening the bag and heading to my dresser.
“Whatare you doing, baby?” Andy asked, spreading her arms and legs wide, as sherolled her head lazily from side to side against the pillow.
“Iforgot we’re going upstate this weekend,” I said, throwing in a few shirts,some jeans, and half the contents of my underwear drawer.
Andylaughed wildly at the ceiling. “How many butts do you have?”
“Idon’t know. You think that’s too much? It’s too much.” I returned some of theunderwear to the drawer, then said, “You need to pack. You want me to do it?I’ll do it.”
Shebegan to move her arms and legs, like she was making a snow angel on themattress. I stood back, transfixed by the movement and the smooth glide of herlimbs, and she laughed at my stare.
“You’refreaking me out.”
“You’refuckin’ beautiful.”
“No,I’m not. I’m plain. And crazy.”
“Notplain,” I shook my head, “just crazy fuckin’ beautiful.”
“Andyou’re stoned.”
Ilaughed, raking my hands through my hair. “Crazy fuckin’ stoned,” I agreedwholeheartedly.
“So,why are we going?”
Ispread my arms and shrugged. “Zach wants us all up there for a barbeque orsomethin’. I dunno. I said yes, so that’s what we’re doin’.”
“Whycan’t we just stay here? ‘Cause I wanna stay here and do all the coke.” Shelaughed, clapping her hands over her crazy beautiful face. “Oh, my God, can youimagine if we didallthe coke? Oh, my God, would that be bad?”
“It’dbesobad,” I said, shaking my head. “God, we’d probably fuckin’ die.”
Andyabruptly sat up in bed, her eyes wide. “Are we going to die? Oh, my God,Vinnie, I don’t want to die. I’m not ready.”
Shelooked so scared, so sad, as her eyes quickly filled with tears. I dropped tomy knees at the edge of the bed and took her face in my hands. I pressed kissesto her cheeks, forehead, and lips, then said, “I won’t let us die, sweetheart.Okay? Don’t worry, we’re gonna be fine. I’ll make sure we’re fine.”
Witha smile and a nod, her face took on another look of serenity. She grabbed my wristsand pulled me down to the mattress to lay beside her. I protested, telling herwe needed to pack, but she shook her head and started to press kisses to mylips and cheeks.
“Notyet. We have to do something else right now.”
Inodded, keeping my eyes on her full lips. “Okay. What are we gonna do?”
“Let'spretend wearedead, okay? Let's pretend we did all the coke and died.”
“No.”I shook my head and pulled from her grasp. “I don't want to do that.”
“Why?Come on,” she giggled, grabbing at my arms and keeping me from leaving. “It'sjust pretend. We're gonna pretend we're dead, but we're not really, okay? It'sfine.”
Iwasn't sure if it was fine. I wasn't sure if it was fine at all. But I tried torelax, lying still beside her, staring at her face and the mischievous smileshe wore. She laid on her back, instructing me to do the same; our handsclasped between us. She kept her eyes trained on the ceiling, and said, “Okay.Now, close your eyes and hold your breath.”
Idid as I was told and trapped the air in my lungs as my eyes shut. The worldwas still and quiet around me and for one second, exactly one, I was calm. Butthat second quickly passed and then I thought about my father. Dead. Cold. Sostill and quiet in the ground. Trapped. That's what he was and so was I.Trapped in my own head. Trapped in my fear of being alone and of being leftbehind.
Iopened my eyes and gasped for air, wrenching my hand from hers and clutching atmy bare chest. I felt for my beating heart. I felt for the expansion of mylungs. Then, relieved, I laid my hands over my face and felt the wetness of mytears.
