Herushed past me and sat down on the couch. He laid his palms over his face,groaning and cursing. I should've felt guilty for putting him through this, butmy need to turn off and feel good outweighed any guilt.
Istood by as he shook out his hands and resigned himself to playing the teacherrole. He grabbed the little baggie of snow-white powder and emptied itscontents onto the mirror. Then, he picked up the Dunkin Donuts gift card.
“Moegave this to me for Christmas,” he needlessly explained, as he pushed thecocaine into two neat, even lines. “It was good for a couple cups of coffee andI guess it's good for somethin' else now, too.”
Hechuckled humorlessly and dropped the card back on the table. “Okay, watch mecarefully.” And I did, paying close attention to the way he pressed a finger toone nostril and bent over the table, close to the little white rows. Then, itwent so fast, his noisy inhale and the swift motion of his head. He sat up,gasping and pushing his hands through his hair. It didn't take long for hissmile to return, bright and euphoric. I wanted that, I wanted that type of numbhappiness.
So,I followed his example, sucking up as much as I could, unsure if I was doing itright. After, I sat up, throwing my head back and waiting for it to feel good.Waiting for the disappointed ghost at my side to disappear. When I eventuallyheard nothing but the sound of my own heart beating in my ears, I opened myeyes to find Vinnie, and only Vinnie, in the apartment.
“Howdo you feel?” he asked, arms stretched out over the back of the couch.
“Quiet,”I replied, and I stood up, certain I was floating on footless legs as I roundedthe coffee table and climbed into his lap.
“Isquiet good? I hate quiet.”
Icupped his perfect face in my palms, feeling like I was seeing the bright,beautiful colors of his rosy cheeks for the very, very first time. “I only hear you when it's quiet,” I whispered, as hewrapped his arms tight around my waist. “Quiet is good.”
CHAPTERTWENTY-SIX
VINNIE
Themorning greeted me with sunshine and an insatiable craving for a cigarette.Andy was still asleep, naked and tangled in the throw blanket Pops had leftdraped over the couch. I lifted her arm, in an attempt to carefully slide myway out from her hold, but she stirred and opened her bleary eyes.
“Hey,”she whispered groggily, her lips full and puffy.
“Hey,sweetheart, I'm just getting up to smoke. Go back to sleep.”
Shesmiled, reaching out to graze her fingertips over my morning erection. “Well,hurry up. I want this when you get back.”
Ilaughed, bending over to press my lips to hers. “I'll see what I can do,” Isaid, before pulling my underwear on and grabbing my smokes and black Zippofrom the coffee table, purposely diverting my eyes from the leftover cocainemess.
Iclimbed out the window and onto the fire escape, grateful for the dirty, humidair as I filled my lungs. With a cigarette in my mouth and the flick of thelighter, I set myself up for a thorough thinking session, despite my resistanceto think at all.
We’dhad a lot of fun, Andy and I. Doped-up and diving into a sweet abyss, we fuckedon the couch until the high faded and we fell asleep. I could have looked backon the night wearing a fond smile, but as sweet as the memory might have been,what we had done, and what I had taught her to do, wasn't.
Herfamily was right about me; I was toxic. If I hadn't believed it before, I didnow, and that truth left a sick, hollow feeling in my gut.
Iloved her. God, I loved her so much. But if I loved her so damn much, how couldI have allowed this to happen? How could I have allowed her to talk me intogetting her high, and so easily? This isn't what love does. Love protects. Itwraps itself around you like an impenetrable shield and stops the bad shit frominfiltrating the fortress you've built. Yet we had seen that bad shit knockingon the door and chose to invite it in.
But,wasn't she also a grown woman, capable of making her own decisions? She hadmade up her mind and would have done it whether I showed her or not. What ifshe had screwed up? What if she had hurt herself? When I thought of it likethat, I wondered if I had actually done the right thing. Maybe, in some twistedway, I had actually protected her. Because that's what love does, and I loved her.
***
Weboth had work to return to, and I was glad for it. As much as I would haveloved to sit in the apartment and make lazy love to her all day, I also feltthat a taste of normalcy would be good. Andy needed to see the hospital, sheneeded the distraction of her patients, and I needed pizza, just to take ourminds off her family and the things we had done together. To reassess andfigure things out.
So,we went our separate ways and both walked into work late. It had been expectedby her colleagues, Jenna, and Moe, because of the party, but they all had noidea what the real reason was and, as far as I was concerned, they never would.Because the coke was gone now, and there wouldn't be any more.
“Howdid it go yesterday?” Jenna asked, as I pulled my cap on.
“What?The party?”
“Obviously,”she laughed.
Ihesitated. In the moment, what had happened at the party was hot and I'd lovedevery second of it. But now, in hindsight, I was embarrassed. A secret tryst ina bedroom during a party was one thing, but what I had instigated had beenreckless and disrespectful.
“Itwas okay,” I settled on, hoping she'd drop it.
“Oh,come on,” she groaned, dropping the ladle and turning to face me. “You gottagive me more than that.”
