Quickly,the anger toward my father manifested into a desperate rage toward Andy. Shemade me forget. She calmed my mind and eased my pain, but where the hell wasshe now? Andy had left. Just like he did. And just likeher. They alldid. They all leave me, and now I was left with nothing but this bag of blow.
“Callher,” I said aloud. “Just call her. Tell her you need her now.” And I reallydid; I needed her. I needed herright nowand if she could come, Iwouldn't need the coke. But if she couldn't ...
Well,I wasn't sure.
“Hey,baby,” she answered on the first ring.
Iwanted to smile at the sound of her voice. I loved her. God, I really did loveher. But right now, in this moment, love wasn't enough and there was nothing tosmile about. Not even her voice.
“Hey.”
“Whatare you up to?”
“Nothin',”I answered, making a feeble attempt at sounding calm. “I, uh, I wanted to seeif you wanted to come back tonight.”
Andywas quiet for a moment before answering, “Vinnie, I told you ...”
Afrantic frenzy erupted in my heart. “N-No, no, I know, but I was just seein' ifmaybe anything had changed.”
“No,we're making centerpieces right now, so I can't leave. But I'll be backtomorrow. Okay?”
Theurge to cry was overwhelming. I hated feeling like this, so weak and unable tocontrol myself.
Irubbed a hand beneath my nose, stifling the sniffle that threatened to give meaway. “Yeah. Yeah, okay.”
“Baby,”she said, then dropped her voice to a whisper. “Are you okay?”
AllI could see now was the bag of coke. All I could feel was the desperation totell her I wasn't okay, that I wasn't fine or hanging in there. And all Iwanted to do was line it all up into neat little rows and snort it, fast andeasy. I was torn up, ripped apart, conflicted and crawling out of my skin. Andshe was so far away, and I was so alone.
“Ijust, um,” I cleared my throat and sniffed back the tears, “I miss you.”
“Imiss you, too,” she answered quietly. “But I'll see you tomorrow. Okay? I loveyou.”
“Ilove you, too.”
Shehung up first. I wondered if she would've been able to, if she knew what washappening to me. I wondered if she would've hopped on the next train, if sheknew what I was about to do, as I slowly opened the bag and poured the smallestbit of powder out onto the mirror. But I'd never know, and that was fine,actually, because this was a one-off. A one-time thing, to get me through thenight and to make it to tomorrow. That was the lie I told myself, as I made aperfect little line, leaned forward, and in one smooth inhale, pulled it intomy body.
AndI believed it.
CHAPTERTWENTY-THREE
ANDREA
Thetrain ride back into the city was long and exhausting, despite getting a goodnight's sleep in my comfortable bed at home. This split life I was now livingwas wearing on me and I noticed it more with every trip back and forth. Betweenthe secret I was keeping from Vinnie, and the disapproval of my relationshipfrom my family, I could sense an inevitable breaking point coming. Things wouldbe said, people would be hurt, and I, without a doubt, would suffer the most.
Ihad spent the night sprinkling glitter on silk flowers and assembling favors.Mer and Willa had their own duties and together, we had transformed my parents’backyard into something that would’ve made Martha Stewart proud. It had been agood night, full of white wine, Chinese food, and good company. Until Vinniehad called. And then, the conversation had been geared strictly toward howtoxic our relationship was.
“Hecan’t even let you have a night with your sisters,” Mer had said, shaking herhead as she cut another strip of tulle to wrap around a glass vase. “How thehell are you even okay with that?”
“Hewas just calling to see what I was up to,” I’d replied, defending him whilefinding it difficult to get the sound of his voice out of my head. He’d soundedso troubled, so desperate, and it had left me feeling worried and guilty.“What’s the problem with that?”
“IfEric ever did that to me, I’d tell him to get a freakin’ life,” Willa hadmuttered, sipping from her glass. “You need to set your boundaries, Andrea. Otherwise,he’s never going to know what’s okay and what isn’t. He’s just gonna controlyour life and do you really want that?”
I’dspent the night after they’d left lying in bed and wondering if they wereright. When I was with Vinnie, I never once thought he was stealing the reinsand calling the shots in my life. But how could I judge our entirerelationship, over the past couple of weeks since his father had died? He washurt and mourning. It was only natural to cling to the people you love duringtroubled times, and he loved me.
I’dfallen asleep assured that we were good, that our relationship was fine andthat the only problem was with me and the secrets I was too afraid to divulge.But now on the train, I was trapped again inside my head and unsure.
“Ineed to relax,” I muttered to myself and the young man beside me.
