Shesearched my eyes with concern. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah,”I told her, nodding a little too profusely. “It's all good.”
Itucked my thumbnail between my teeth and began to chew. Because the truth was,it wasn't all good. I could look at my brother and sister and clearly see how Ishould act and feel. How I should be holding it together. But I was so far fromfeeling that way, I was practically on another planet.
Thenext morning, at the cemetery, we laid roses on our father's casket. First,Jenna, then Zach. They cried unabashedly, whispering their final goodbyes tothe wooden box, before hurrying off to cry in the arms of their waitingsignificant others. I kept a watchful eye over them, so acutely aware of myjealousy and anger as it took control. I imagined the homes they wereretreating to. The distractions and all the fucking hope they would find withinthose walls, and all I could think was,what the hell do I have? Ihadn't been to the apartment since Pops had died. I'd been staying at Jenna'shouse, for no other reason than to avoid the inevitable. But now, I knew Ineeded to go home. I needed to throw out the rotten milk. I needed cleanclothes. I needed to face the loneliness I was sure to find there and thereality that he wasn't coming home.
“Vinnie?”It was Andy and she was pulling me gently to lay the clenched and crumpled rosein my hand on the casket. “Come on, I'll go with you.”
Thetiniest bit of emotion tugged at my throat. This woman had stayed by my sideever since that night in the hospital. She had only left to sleep at her house,just a few miles away from Jenna's place on Long Island, and then, she wouldreturn in the morning. She had called out of work and put her own life on holdand what had I ever done to deserve that? This type of affection and devotion?I hadn't tried, I hadn't done anything, but there she was, and I hated myselffor not being more grateful.
Itook the rose and with more care than I thought I could muster, laid it gentlyagainst the enameled mahogany. The white petals were a stark contrast on thedark wood, and I stared as one wrinkled petal dropped away from the others tolay alone on the glossy surface. And that hurt. All at once, it hurt so fuckingmuch that the last thing I'd ever give to my father, had broken, right at themoment I gave it to him. I felt that hurt so deep in my chest, pressed firm andunrelenting against my heart, that I struggled to breathe as Andy gently luredme away.
Wecame to stand with my siblings, a couple of feet away from the casket, suspendedover his final resting place. They had decided to open Famiglia Bella forlunch, free for anybody who wanted to attend and honor our father.
“Moe'sover there now, getting things ready,” Jenna said, red-eyed and snotty.
Inodded. “Cool.”
“Areyou up for this?” Andy whispered, as we walked back to her car.
“Whywouldn't I be?” I glared at her across the top of the silver sedan.
“Imean, if you just wanted to relax or, I dunno ...”
“I'mfine,” I insisted, and climbed in.
***
FamigliaBella had never been so packed. Not even when Devin O'Leary and a few of hisband members came to draw attention to the place several years ago. It washeartwarming, to see how many people our father had touched in his lifetime andhow many people cared.
Ormaybe they just wanted free pizza.
Andyhad taken quite a liking to Moe. While I cooked and kept my mind off of theempty apartment awaiting me, she busied herself with asking him questions,things I had never even thought to wonder.
“Wheredid you used to live?”
“Well,before I lost everything, my wife and I had a house on Long Island,” he said.
“Oh,I live on Long Island! Where were you?”
Hegrinned with pride for what he'd lost. “I lived in Islip.”
Shenodded slowly. “Me, too.”
Moegrinned over his shoulder at me. “Your girl and I are findin' common groundover here, my brother. Better watch out. I might steal her away if we keep thisup.”
“Yeah,my ass,” I grunted in reply, offering my first genuine smile since leavingZach's house days before.
Then,Moe said to Andy, “I'm just messin' with you, girl. I'd never do that to myboy. And besides, you're a little too white and skinny for my tastes.”
“Moelikes some cushion for the pushin',” Zach threw in matter-of-factly.
Andy'slaugh bubbled up from her belly and she held her arms around her middle. “Wow,okay. Too much info.”
“It'strue,” Moe said, nodding sincerely. “My ex-wife, boy, she had these thighs Ijust loved sinkin' my teeth into. And that ass—”
“Guys,guys,” Jenna interjected, gesturing toward her kids sitting at a table. “Can weremember the little ears? Please?”
