“Theother side or something.”
“Yeah,exactly. But when they realize I can't hear them, they communicate through images.Like, transmitted to my brain.”
“Iget that, too, but from Spirit. I can'tseethem here; I just get imagesof them, coming through in my mind.”
“Thethird eye or whatever,” I offered, and she nodded. “Is it a constant thing?”
“What?The images or—”
“Everything.”
Traceyseemed to consider the question, as she drank from her glass. I sat across fromher, finding myself suddenly desperate and needing to know her answer rightaway. But she took her time, pulling her lips in and out from between herteeth, and taking small sips of her gin and tonic.
Itfelt like a half hour had gone by before finally she said, “When I was younger,I couldn't get it under control. I would tell my parents about the things I sawand the things I knew, and twice, they had me committed to try and figure outwhat was wrong with me.”
Myjaw dropped. “Oh, wow ... I'm so sorry.”
Sheclosed her eyes and shook her head. “Don't be. It wasn't malicious. Theygenuinely thought I was going crazy and just wanted to help. I was put on a lotof medications in my teens, for a number of issues the doctors thought I had.And even though I didn't really have schizophrenia or whatever they’d diagnosedme with at the time, the drugsdidmake it stop.”
Therewas a finality in what she had said. Was she implying that pills were the onlything that had quieted the voices, or Spirit, as she called it?
Ipressed my lips together, letting those words settle in, before asking, “So,what happened after that?”
“Well,”she leaned back, folding her hands on the table, “the psych meds I was on hadother side effects. I was sluggish, couldn’t focus, and struggled in school. Ibarely made it through to my high school graduation, and after that, decidednot to go to college.”
Itwas hard for me to fathom that this put-together, successful, and beautifulwoman had at one point been too doped up to thrive. I tried to imagine herstruggling but it was difficult when before me sat someone I had quickly cometo admire.
“Irealized that I would never be able to function in society like that, so Idecided to wean myself off the meds. And as my mind and energy went back tonormal, so did Spirit. And it was crazy, because it almost seemed as thoughthey’d been waiting for me to come back. I was all of a sudden bombarded withthese images and messages everywhere I went, and it wasn’t long before I turnedto alcohol to make it stop.”
“JesusChrist.”
Traceynodded solemnly. “By the time I was twenty-five, I was a functioning alcoholic.There wasn’t a second that went by in my day where I wasn’t drunk. But,” shesighed and shrugged, “I had a job at my uncle’s law firm. I had my ownapartment. I was working toward getting my GED. I knew what I was doing wasn’tgood, but I was also doing better than I had been, so I kept it up.
“But,the thing with that kind of lifestyle is, it’s only okay for so long before itcatches up with you. And when I was twenty-eight, I was on my way to work andgot into a horrific car accident. I killed a man and his eight-year-olddaughter on their way to school.”
Mygaze dropped to the table and her barely-touched gin and tonic. Vinnie hadabused drugs and alcohol, and for that reason, he never touched it. How couldshe be drinking now?
“Iwas addicted to what the alcohol did for me, not the alcohol itself,” she saidgently, and I looked back to her, surprised and feeling like I’d been caught.The kindness in her smile wrapped around me like a warm hug and I relaxed. “Alot of people wonder how I can have a drink every once in a while, withoutfeeling tempted, so I just thought I’d clear the air now. I can’t read minds.”
Isnorted. “I was about to be really impressed.”
Traceylaughed, shaking her head. “No, my thing isn’tthatcool.”
Pullingin a deep breath, I glanced toward the bar and saw Goose. He had buried himselfbehind the bar, occasionally flicking his angry gaze toward the juke box, wherea group of drunken girls were hovering. I smiled faintly, knowing he wasstruggling to hide his fuming assumption that they’d feel tempted by LynyrdSkynyrd. The thought reminded me of my first date with Vinnie, which onlyreminded me of why I was here.
“So… what happened?” I asked, turning back to Tracey and wishing she’d just skipto the answers I was desperately searching for.
“Oh,right.” She cleared her throat and sat up straight, as her smile faded with thememories of her past. “While I was in the hospital after the accident, Iobviously couldn’t drink and the only thing that they had me on was some verymild painkillers. I was bombarded with the messages again, but I felt Ideserved it, like it was a punishment for what I had done. So, I dealt with itfor weeks, just being harassed by this …thingI hated so much. Until Iwas visited by that man and his daughter.”
Myeyes grew wide at the shocking twist in her story. “Whoa.”
Shepursed her lips and nodded. “Up until that point, I had never taken the time toreally pay attention to what they had to say. But whentheycame to me,I knew I needed to, if only for my peace of mind. And the amazing thing was,they had forgiven me. They had …” Tracey took a deep breath and shook her head,almost as though she couldn’t quite believe it all herself. “They hadunderstood that I was troubled, and that they had become a part of my story, ashorrible as that is. But, they did have a message for their wife and mother,and for the first time, I did as Spirit wanted. I found that woman, let heryell at me and cry, and then, I gave her the message. Everybody was at peace,including me, and … I don’t know, ever since then, I realized what good I coulddo for this world. I might not have asked for this ability, but it was given tome for a reason. So, I use it.”
Herstory was touching and inspirational, but she still hadn’t answered my question.
“But,”I began, moving gently back to the initial subject at hand, “how do you turn itoff?”
Traceyleveled me with a soft glare and shook her head. “I don’t,” she said, and Ideflated with a sorrowful exhale. “Honestly, I don’t want to. Sure, it does getin the way sometimes, but I just accept it as a part of my life.”
