“I’mdriving myself fuckin’ crazy,” I mumbled, quietly moving down the hall and tothe living room window.
Thedoctor had strongly advised me not to smoke around him, and if I absolutelyneeded to, to keep it outside. Really, I probably should’ve decided then andthere to quit cold turkey. But I’m not a saint, never pretended to be, and asmuch as I loved my dad, I knew I was going to lose him, whether I smoked ornot. And there’s only so much a guy can lose before he also loses his mind.
Iclimbed out onto the fire escape and shivered in the cool night air. Fifteenfloors down, I knew the air was heavy and sticky, but the humidity never seemedto touch us up here.
Ipulled the pack of Marlboros from my pocket, along with my Zippo and phone. Iplucked a cigarette out and held it between my lips, as I checked my phonescreen for messages, making sure my brother or sister weren’t trying to get intouch with me. It irked me to find that they hadn’t. It shouldn’t have, it waslate and they would be sleeping, but while I was here, stressing myself out andunable to sleep, they were enjoying the comfort of their beds. I wondered ifI’d be like that, if I wasn’t here. I wondered if I could just fall asleep,knowing my father was at home, living with a time bomb in his chest.
“Knockit off,” I muttered under my breath. I wasn’t going to villainize my siblingssimply for having different lives than me, knowing that underneath the worry, Iwas only jealous it wasn’t me.
Ilit the cigarette and inhaled, slow and deep, only to exhale in hopes that I’dalso release my stress and worry. My fingers scrolled through my phone, seeminglywith a mind of their own, when I came across Andy’s number.
Ihadn’t thought about her since leaving the hospital, not with the ordeal ofbringing my father home. But now, staring at her name and number, I couldn’tget her out of my head, and because I was never one to deny an impulse, Icalled her.
Ijust don’t think I expected her to answer.
“Hey!”I could hear the smile in her tone, bright and bubbly, like it wasn’t a quarterpast midnight.
“Hey.”I blew a stream of smoke into the night. “I can’t believe you’re awake.”
“Oh,”she laughed, “don’t let my work hours fool you. I’m really a night owl, and Idon’t go to bed before three AM on nights when I don’t have work the next day.”
“Ah.”I nodded to the night sky. “A day off, nice.”
“Twodays off,” she corrected triumphantly.
“Goodfor you,” I laughed, then sucked at the end of the cigarette.
“So,how are you? Is everything okay?”
Ipinched the smoke between my fingers, pulling it from my lips. “Yeah,everything’s fine.”
“Well,I mean, you called, so I figured—”
“Yeah,I dunno, I guess I just wanted to talk to someone.” I licked my lips, realizinghow vague and weak that sounded. Like she could’ve been anybody, like it didn’tmatter that it was her. So, I added, “I mean, I wanted to talk toyou.”
“Oh,”she answered, nearly in a whisper.
Thatone-worded response led to an awkward silence that I would’ve filled with akiss, if we were together in person and if she was any other girl. And it wasin that moment, I realized and acknowledged that she wasn’t just any othergirl. She was different, and in what way, I didn’t know. But I know I liked it.
Ilikedher.
“So,um, what are you up to?” I asked, forcing myself to use my tongue for otherthings, like conversation.
“Oh,uh … just watching some YouTube videos.”
“Whatkinda videos?”
“Promiseto not make fun of me?”
“Nope.”
“What?”She laughed incredulously. “Seriously?”
“Yo,I can’t promise nothin’. If you tell me you’re watching behind the scenesfootage of theTeletubbiesor some shit, you can bet your ass I’m gonnamake fun of you.”
“Wow,”she grumbled. “And here I thought you were a nice guy.”
Igrinned around the cigarette, then sucked in a puff of smoke to hold in mylungs, before asking, “And that’s my problem, how?”
